Subservire - Diary of a Female-Led Husband

To be or not to be

2011-07-30T00:28:00.000-07:00

As I'm no longer in a wife-led marriage, it's difficult for me to blog about the topic any more. I still enjoy reading other blogs on the subject but, due to the failure of my own marriage, I no longer feel qualified to provide an insight or advice on the subject.

Since V and I split up I've had a couple of short-term relationships but they haven't worked out.

There was one Mistress who advertised for a house servant, primarily to clean. I applied for the job and got it. It was good to be able to serve a Mistress again. Unfortunately we weren't compatible.

Since then I've been corresponding online with a professional Domme but, again, it seems we're not compatible as she's only interested in a professional relationship whereas I'm more interested in developing friendship and a personal connection which only a true relationship can provide. Yes, I'll admit it. I want a long-term relationship with someone I can fall in love with, and who loves me. Unfortunately, professional Dommes just don't fit that bill. It's not what she wants, and what she wants doesn't appeal to me.

I still find her very attractive, interesting, intelligent and insightful. In fact, she's everything I'd want in a partner. I think we have a lot in common. In addition, she loves the kink and has a huge range of BDSM interests. Unfortunately for me, she has no interest in a social partner. It's strictly professional.

This leads me to the question of where I go from here. Should I continue to search for a Femdom life partner or is that unrealistic? Should I be satisfied with paying for services rendered? Or should I look for someone outside the scene and abandon my Femdom fantasies?

I've met a couple of nice women on vanilla dating sites. There's one in particular who is interested in me as a person and is receptive to an ongoing relationship. I haven't made that commitment yet, but I enjoy her company and find her attractive. We talk regularly on the phone (at least every 2 days) and meet up for dinner etc. once every couple of weeks. The problem is she lives about 100 kilometers from me so the opportunity to see each other regularly is difficult.

I've mentioned to her that I like strong women. She said it was brave of me to say that, because most men wouldn't make such a comment. But I don't want to blow it by suggesting anything kinky. I don't think Femdom is her natural persuasion.

So what do I do? It's not that easy to find a compatible Domme as most submissives will testify. But I'm lonely and don't enjoy living on my own. I want another partner and it's much easier to find a vanilla partner than a Domme.

And if I do happen to find a vanilla partner, will I be satisfied? I really don't know.

On the one hand, this is my last opportunity to find someone right - to find a strong woman who is happy to explore a Femdom lifestyle. But how to find her? Is it realistic? Where are they all?

To be a sub or not to be, that's the question!

My Mistress Commands

2011-07-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

I'm asking for a favour. My current, beautiful Mistress Eve has set me an assignment.

This is it:

"If you find it personally satisfying to serve, I want you to find a number and variety of resources on service orientated submission and explore them. Pages, lists, groups, pornography, etc. I want you to enjoy that and explore it and report back to me in the following days (take your time, speed is not of the essence) on what you have enjoyed/learned/found/remembered."

Any assistance would be appreciated.

Is that a Light Ahead?

2011-07-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

Most of the tenants had been living there for years. They’d become institutionalized.

We received a cooked meal every evening, although “cooked” sometimes meant baked beans on toast. Sometimes we received stew, other times sausages and mash. Once a week we received a roast. A highlight was when the local Church members would arrive on a Sunday and cook a barbecue for us. Sausages, hamburgers, onions, salad, bread and soft drink.

We had a television in the common room, although it was pointless to try and choose a channel. The majority vote was to watch cartoons or soaps.

In the corridors there were abandoned bits of broken furniture and old, stained mattresses. No one seemed to be in charge of rubbish removal and the litter steadily accumulated as the weeks went by.

Once you hit rock bottom, there’s only one way to go. I still had a mind, even if it was fractured. I’d been knocked down. It was now time to get back up. I owed it to my kids, my friends and myself. Unlike the other tenants in this boarding house, I had a choice. I could escape if I put my mind to it.

I finally came to believe there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. My first task was to find one client and therefore an income.

It didn’t take me long before I had a single client who was prepared to pay a reasonable monthly fee.

On the basis of that I rented a comfortable, renovated house close to the city centre and set up my business from there. A home-based business with a staff of one – me.

Rock Bottom

2011-07-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

One of the most emotional moments at the psych ward was the first time I saw my kids as they walked down the corridor towards me. The moment I saw them I started crying and couldn’t stop. We all hugged and I just kept on bawling my eyes out. The kids said they’d never seen me cry before. I don’t know why, because I’m a sucker for sad movies. They became regular visitors and got to know many of the other “inmates”.

After about four weeks I was told I could look forward to leaving. Questions arose about where I would live and how I would support myself. Would my wife accept me back? No. Did I have a place to stay? No. Did I have an income? No. Did I have any savings? No.

Finally, it was agreed I should be transferred to a men’s boarding room. Ironically, living in a boarding room had been one of my greatest fears! Now that fear was about to be realized. I’d hit rock bottom.

The boarding house itself was an old converted mansion which was tired and neglected. The large original rooms had been converted into small cells 12 feet by 10 feet. They were dark and gloomy with linoleum floors, a single metal bed, a small wardrobe and a small table with a mini fridge underneath. That was it. The tenants were former homeless men, most with mental issues.

V helped me move in – not a huge task given I only had one suitcase. She was appalled at the conditions but assured me it was only a temporary measure. “I’d be back on my feet in no time.”

V asked if I wanted any personal pieces of furniture from home. Perhaps my antique wall clock or a small chair. No, there was nothing I could add to this room to make it a “home”. Instead, I stuck up a couple of the bad oil paintings I’d painted in the psych ward as part of my rehabilitation. One was of an icecream which I’d titled “I Scream”. One was of an ocean inlet with yachts tied to buoys.

In a way, I find this writing experience cathartic. I’ve never written it down until now.

That’s all for today. I’m exhausted. I’ll talk soon. Thank you for reading my story.

Back (Chapter Two)

2011-06-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

The first few days in the psych ward were a haze. I don’t remember much about them, other than the constant screaming and crying which went all through the night from adjoining rooms. It was impossible to sleep through the night, despite the medication.

V came to visit me regularly, bringing me sweets, newspapers, books and cigarettes.

I was scared of the other person sharing my room. He mumbled constantly and never looked me in the eyes. Later I found he had been receiving electro shock treatment on a weekly basis for the past six weeks.

V spoke to the head nurse and asked that I be moved to another room. She was impeccably dressed as usual, and looked a million dollars. This, in turn, worked in my favour.
At first the nurse explained that she couldn’t play favorites and that everyone was equal within the ward. V stood her ground and said that I was a very different person to the other patients: I wasn’t a drug addict. I’d had a successful career. I had a loving family. I was used to the finer things in life and, despite the fact that I’d always had private health insurance, I’d failed to make the payments in the past few months which was why I was in a public ward. Finally, they agreed to place me in a single room, although they stressed that this was highly unconventional. Usually these rooms were reserved for the hard cases who were often strapped to their beds.

I remember the first afternoon I lay on my new bed. I looked at the walls and ceiling and noticed concentrated splatters of blood on both. Later, when I was packing my underwear and socks in a drawer, I noticed a fine white powder which I assumed to be washing detergent. Mindful that I didn’t want my underwear to be covered in powder, I removed the drawer and emptied the substance. I then thought to taste it and I’m pretty sure it was some sort of narcotic – what, I don’t know.

The rooms themselves were very basic. Linoleum floors, an open wardrobe, a metal bed and no hooks to hang anything on. The communal bathroom was disgusting and the showers were cold (there was a problem with the water heater).

In time, over the following weeks, I developed a great affinity with the other patients. I came to think of them as friends and felt a great deal of compassion for the hard lives they had experienced. Their lives were truly tragic.

For the most part, they were hard core drug addicts, bi-polar, psychotic or a mixture of all three.

They began to confide in me and called me “poppa” due to the fact that I was older than most. They told me their stories and it made me cry.

In fact, just recalling it makes me cry now. I’m finding it very hard to write this blog.

There was Beckie, who was 24 and had five children. Her previous defacto had murdered her eldest child. Her latest boyfriend had kidnapped her for a week, strapped her to the bed, and allowed his friends to use her as they wished. After that she lived on the streets as a prostitute before being admitted to the ward due to a drug and psychotic episode.

There was Dianne who was a 66 year old aboriginal grandmother who’d been admitted 27 times for psychotic behavior. Di loved to swear and every second word started with f. She had a wonderful sense of humour but could become extremely violent at any moment. In fact, on one occasion I played a joke on Di which didn’t go particularly well. “In my room,” said Di, “the fire sprinklers are directly above my bed, whereas in all the other rooms, they’re above the door. Why are the sprinklers in my room above my bed?” “Well,” I said “that’s because they’ve inserted a spy camera in your sprinklers so they can look directly down on you when you’re in bed, so be careful when you masturbate.” The trouble was that Di believed me and was quite agitated for some time afterwards. On another occasion I asked her who she thought would win the next political election. “I’m a fucking schizophrenic so I think they’ll both win,” she said.

There was quiet, lovable Edward who wrote poetry and played the guitar and piano. He’d been there for four months on this occasion and five months the year before.

There was Anne Marie who had been on heroin since the age of 10. Her parents introduced her to it and used her as a guinea pig to see if the drug was OK to inject.

There was Netti who, at 21, was a well known classical pianist who had appeared in concert and on television. She lived for most of her life in institutions. She was very quiet and beautiful.

There were many others, but I won’t bore you here. It’s a sad fact that most people don’t understand mental illness. I certainly didn’t until it was forced on me. Yet if we scratch the surface of those people who outwardly show signs of mental illness, whether it be psychosis, bi-polar, depression or whatever, we often find loving and compassionate individuals who desperately seek to be normal and accepted.

Here ends the sermon for the day!

While in the nut house I was concerned about my business and, of course, my staff. V went to my accountant and it was agreed he would wind the business up and try to salvage whatever he could. Employees received redundancy payments and the business was dissolved. I was now broke and had no income.

Back ... Battered, Bruised and Broke But Still Standing

2011-06-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

After three years, I’m finally able to confront my demons and resume my blog. I hope you find it of some value.

In late 2006 I embarked on a wife led marriage. At the same time I established this blog. Many people have since followed my trials and tribulations. In a sense, it became a social experiment and, for many followers of this blog, it was a study in sociology of a Femdom marriage, and whether such a married relationship could be “constructed” by a sub.

For those of you who recall my initial blog entries, I was full of hope and determination at the time. I believed V and I could develop a female led marriage which would suit us both.

But, as my latter posts suggests, I was in a bad mental state towards the end of our marriage. As subsequent events would confirm, I was in a state of clinical depression, but without receiving medical treatment.

The Global Financial Crisis was having a major bearing on my business in 2008. Clients were drying up. Cashflow was at an all-time low. I was borrowing money against our house to support the business. Debts were mounting as each week passed. Salaries still had to be paid, office rent and overheads still had to be met. I was loathe to lay anyone off. My employees were like family, and they had their own financial pressures to deal with.

As I recall, the final straw came one day in my car on the way home from work. First, I received a phone call from the taxation department. Any call from the tax department is a stressful experience and, on this occasion, they were demanding immediate payment of company back-taxes or legal action would be initiated.

Two minutes later I received a call from the Child Support Agency which, in this country, is responsible for collecting child support payments from divorced parents. I was three months late with my own payments. When was I going to provide the arrears? My children had all been well cared for and their mother – my first wife - was financially comfortable. For the past 25 years, she had never needed to work and was a stay-at-home mum, living in a fully-paid for five bedroom house in one of the better suburbs of this city.

I don’t really recall all the details of my conversation with the Child Support Agency but I recall them transferring me to another department. Next I was talking to a psychology counselor who reassured me and told me not to worry about anything for now. I realized I must have been acting strangely on the phone. Why else would they transfer me to a psych counselor?

By the time I got home, I was a babbling wreck. All strength and resistance had been drained from my mind and body. In the following weeks I lost all motivation. I won’t go into detail but, basically, I couldn’t sleep. I found it hard to get up in the morning. It was a struggle to go to work.

To top it off, my marriage to V was at breaking point, partly as a result of financial pressures, my mental state and our sexual incompatibility.

The final breakup is painful. Even now. V asked me to move out again. She’d had enough.

I moved in with my mother who I get along with in small doses, but I knew from the outset that living with mum was a big mistake. She constantly criticized V and suggested I wasn’t strong. I should move back home and kick her out. Living with my mother was the worst environment I could be in at the time and did nothing to improve my mental depression.

Two weeks later I had a total breakdown. I was admitted to hospital and the following day I was transferred to the psych ward.

If you’ve never experienced a public psych ward, I can assure you that comparisons with “One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” are not over-stretching things. It appeared to me at the time that this would be one of the last places you would put someone suffering depression! If I wasn’t depressed before, my experiences in the psych ward would certainly make me depressed going forward. I spent the next month in this hell hole.

I’m going to take a break now because I’m finding this harder to write than I thought I would.

Taken for Granted

2008-08-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

I haven’t posted for a while because there hasn’t been a lot to say. I guess it’s patently apparent from my recent reflections that openly acknowledged Female Authority is not working in our relationship, so I’ve taken a step back.

V is obviously aware that I still entertain submissive obsessions but chooses to ignore them. And I’ve learnt to restrain from any reference to FLR, as hard as that is to keep in check.

Besides, V is far too busy studying and working to give any thought to my sexual fantasies....or to sex at all for that matter!

So I’ve settled down to my old ways – the days before I tried to initiate a female led marriage. I browse the internet, join chat groups, read other blogs and fantasize about relationships with other women.

If I’m walking the street, I’ll try to spot women I think might be dominant. Can you pick a Domme in the street? I don’t know, but some women certainly display that aura.

On Saturday night we had some friends over for dinner. I did all the preparation, cooking and cleaning up. Without wishing to brag, I was an excellent chef, maître d' and sommelier.

V didn’t lift a finger and it felt good to play the role of the dutiful servant. Throughout the night V treated me as little more than a staff attendant, virtually dismissing me as someone outside the social gathering.

On the whole, V still expects me to provide her with a high level of service. She still expects me to clean the house, make the bed, do the laundry, cook the meals and tidy up afterwards. She still demands a certain obedience.

I guess, in many ways V is indicating that she’s the head of the household, and she is demonstrating her authority over me. She’s comfortable in that role now – far more so than she was before.

The other day she said: ”It’s all well and good you doing what I tell you, but you don’t show enough self-initiative. I shouldn’t have to tell you to do the washing. You should think to do it for yourself.”

So, in some respects our marriage IS evolving into a Femdom relationship. It’s just that there’s no excitement in it, no sexual charge.

God forbid if I say it, but I DON’T FEEL APPRECIATED. Rather, I feel used and abused. Taken for granted. Ironically, there’s an unsettling analogy here with the commonly expressed feelings of those dutiful housewives in the 1950’s and 60’s. Interesting.

Meeting the Needs of a Slave

2008-08-05T18:04:00.000-07:00

I have recently joined a social fetish website called FetLife which which has some interesting discussion bulletins.

One of the posts I came across today was submitted by Kruella which I think is worth publishing. What do you think?

"Meeting the Needs of a Slave
By Mistress Norische
There are many things that a slave needs. Some think that a slave has no needs; that once a slave becomes owned he or she has all he or she will ever need. I beg to differ; I have found in my experience that there are several things a slave needs.
Communication. .. A slave needs to be able to communicate with their owner and to have their owner communicate and actively listen to him or her. A slave needs to feel as if what they have to say has meaning, and is important.
Service... A slave is like a well-made tool, to be used and used well. If a tool is allowed to set in a box somewhere unattended it will rust or become obsolete. A slave must be allowed to serve in order to sharpen his or her skills and gain experience.
Purpose... As with any individual a slave needs to have a purpose, a reason for his or her existence.
Structure... A slave needs to be surrounded by structure, order, and discipline. Chaos may lead to change and variety, but within the life of a slave it leads to fear and uncertainty.
Appreciation. .. A slave needs to know his or her efforts are appreciated and that he or she is needed. If a slave goes without this form of support then the self-esteem of the slave becomes questionable and hence his or her performance will suffer.
Discipline.. . A slave expects and needs discipline. This does not mean taking a strap to a slave if he or she forgets to end a sentence with Ma'am or Sir. It means the slave must know what is expected of him or her, know what is unacceptable and understand the consequences of any deviation of behavior or action. The worst discipline you can bestow on a slave is to not to allow him or her to serve, or to ignore him or her.
Safety... A slave must know they are safe. I may hurt my slaves but I will never harm them. A slave has the right to expect a safe, healthy environment…both physically and emotionally.
Respect... A slave must understand respect and in turn be treated with respect. As an individual everyone deserves some respect, a slave is no different. Just as the owner requires a certain amount of respect so therefore does the slave.
Honesty... A slave has the right to expect his or her owner to always be honest with them. To tell a lie is not only dishonorable but it also shreds the fine fabric of trust that is formed between a slave and an owner.
Trust... A slave must be able to trust his or her owner. This is achieved with time, knowledge and experience. Trust is something build brick by brick, but when that trust is broken those bricks become made of smoke and will not support a relationship.
These are the things that a slave needs. You notice nowhere did I state a slave needs a collar, a contract, scening, sex or money.
A collar is a symbol, it may represent ownership but there is no color in the world that can replace trust or safety. Hence while it may be a symbol cherished by all who proudly wear their owner's symbol, it is a want and not a need.
A contract is no more than a piece of paper, an agreement made between individuals based on a common goal. There is no contract that can keep a slave from leaving when he or she feels they are not needed or wanted.
Sceneing is something done for the entertainment of one or more parties involved. Some enjoy it; some do not. Never the less sceneing is no more important that buying a pretty new dress for the picnic, or getting the latest Harry Potter book. It is a luxury or a reward it is not a need.
Sex like Sceneing may or may not be present within a relationship. There are slaves that are specifically trained to be of sexual service. However, not all slaves are maintained for sexual reasons. Sex is option, not a need.
Money is irrelevant, while it does ease the mind of an individual. Money will not ease the mind of a slave; it is not about money it is about purpose and service, and appreciation. Money cannot buy pride; it can only buy things.
So as you can see the needs of a slave are not object, nowhere in the above list did I state a slave needs to be well dressed, hell there are many owners who don't allow the slave to wear clothing at all. Nowhere does it state that a slave needs his or her own room, a slave should be honored if he or she is given the privilege to sleep at the foot of the owners bed. It doesn't state that the slave needs to go tanning or get a manicure or go to the beauty shop once a week, these things are rewards not needs. It doesn't state that a slave needs to be able to use the computer, watch TV or play video games either, again these are rewards not needs, and again these are mere things… nothing can make a slave feel better than a simple acknowledgement. For the owner to sit the slave down and say, "With all the work you have done today getting ready for my guests, I honestly don't know what I would do without you." this simple statement will mean more to a slave than anything that can be purchase with money or plastic.
While they are quite simple, a slave does indeed have needs, and it is for the benefit of the owner to remember this and take care of all the slave's needs.
As with everything this is my opinion, take what you will and leave the rest. If you wish to contact me, my email address is Norisch1@mchsi. com . If you wish to see more of my work you may find a complete listing of all my writings at... [NorischesQuill] (http://groups. yahoo.com/ group/Norisches Quill/)"

I Believe.....

2008-05-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

After many years fantasizing and attempting to initiate a female dominated relationship, I’ve drawn some conclusions of my own that may not sit well with all those wannabe subs out there looking for the perfect FLR.

I believe male subs who are looking for a Femdom relationship are, in the most part, deluding themselves and will never find what they believe they’re after.

I’ve finally reached the decision (some will say about time) that I’m not naturally submissive. I’m too selfish. It’s just that I have my wires crossed sexually. My wife is not by nature sexually dominant, and neither are most women.

I believe:

That so-called subs are primarily “sexually-stimulated” submissives;

That it’s almost impossible for a sub to maintain a long-term Femdom relationship without sexual domination being a large component;

That females are rarely sexually dominant by nature;

That female dominance cannot be created by a submissive, despite his best efforts to please or to encourage such an inclination;

That female led sexual relationships are extremely rare and almost impossible to invent.

In other words, this whole F….ing obsession of mine is a waste of time.

While self-styled subs believe they have a desire to be submissive, I believe it’s largely a sexual mindset which will remain in the realms of sexual fantasy. The practicalities of serving a woman 24/7 with no sexual stimulation appeals to very few purported subs.

Within my own life it’s true that V is often strict and demanding, but she is not sexually dominant….and never will be willingly.

Like most women, she can be quick to complain. OK, she likes to nag. But that doesn’t make her a Domme. As I said, I believe very few women are sexually dominant, and nothing – no amount of male grovelling or pleasing – will ever change that.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is that if you’re a submissive male by nature, forget trying to bring out the dominant character in her – In most cases it’s just not there. Sure, she may enjoy occasional fantasy role-plays where she takes the dominant stance, but generally that’s not her make-up and she will rebel if you suggest such a relationship 24/7.

So forget the advice of the female supremacists who espouse that the way to a successful female led marriage is to give yourself to the Domme totally with no regard to your own wishes. It simply doesn’t work that way.

Most submissive men have a sexual desire to be submissive. Unless that sexual desire – or need - is met, very few men are happy to simply cook, clean and concede for their wives or partners.

A real female Domme REQUIRES to be the dominant personality in the relationship. Often she will have a cruel or sadistic nature. She enjoys beating and humiliating her male. I believe this is the nature of only a very select few women …. And, as a sub, you can’t create such a woman, however much you may fantasize. The truth is, most subs would run a mile if they encountered a real Domme.

Therefore, if your wife or partner is not a natural Domme, as described above, then what is she? Most probably she’s like most women in my experience – caring, nurturing, compassionate. In other words, she’s feminine. AND SHE DOESN’T WISH TO DOMINATE HER PARTNER!

Why would she wish to own him, control him, whip him, humiliate him, piss on him, abuse him? The truth is she doesn’t. That may be a fantasy of many submissives, but it’s not reality and it will never be a major part of a female led relationship.

Of course female led relationships are common, but they’re not based on sexual fantasy.

So what is a traditional female led relationship? I believe it’s a relationship based on mutual respect where the male accedes to the wishes of the female, and where the female can control the male to her satisfaction – at least in part.

It’s not about the male kissing her boots. It’s more akin to being a hen-pecked husband.

Those subs out there who say they are looking for a female led relationship; Is that really what they’re after? I doubt it. In almost all cases, I believe their sexual fantasy is at the root of their obsession. And sexual fantasy is a far cry from simply being a hen-pecked husband who does what his wife demands of him.

Certainly I would not be satisfied in a marriage where my wife simply nagged me, criticised me or demanded better of me. No, SEX is at the core of my submissive tendencies, and I believe that’s the case with most submissive males.

So, when the Femdom books and manuals say the way to a successful female led relationship is for the male to “focus on how you can find pleasure in her pleasure. Forget about what she can do TO you and think about what you can do FOR her,” as Ms Rika suggests, or to simply “draw out her dominant nature with your submissive nature” as Elise Sutton suggests, don’t be fooled. The simple fact is, either she’s naturally dominant or she isn’t. And if she isn’t, the game’s over. Full stop. If your sexual needs can’t be met, there’s no point in continuing. Because sex is at the heart of most subs conscious.

Over recent weeks I’ve been making a greater effort to please V. I’d gone back to basics and convinced myself that the core to developing a FLM was to please my wife. As the literature so commonly states, it’s for her benefit, not mine. A true submissive is one whose sole desire is to please his wife.

So, I became more focused on her everyday happiness. And guess what, it’s hard work, especially if there’s no sexual stimulus.

But I kept telling myself that this is making V happy, and that makes me happier too, and once I get stuck into cleaning up, it’s not so bad. I’m on a roll so to speak and when it’s finished I’m glad it’s finished, except it’s never finished and it starts all over again!

No, I’ve had it. I’m too selfish. So, unless you’re a genuine submissive asexual wimp, with no selfish illusions, don’t go down this path. Most women wouldn’t want you anyway. Instead, initiate the occasional role play in bed and be satisfied with that.

The Feelings Never Die

2008-04-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

It’s been a couple of months since my last post. Not much has happened. I haven’t been in the zone to write much really. We’re leading a very typical vanilla marriage. Yes, we’re still together. Very little sex and no real spice.

Until last weekend, the topic of a female led relationship was barely mentioned. If I started showing submissive tendencies, V would say “Don’t start that again” or “You’re becoming pathetic” or she’d give me a threatening look as if to say “stop it right now.”

Needless to say I’ve become progressively frustrated and it’s become increasingly difficult to serve her on a regular basis. I find I lose motivation if there’s no sexual overtone.

So, basically we’ve degenerated into sharing household responsibilities. We’ve assumed “traditional roles” around the home.

She’s given up controlling our finances, although she continues to have the final word in that regard.

V’s still quite bossy, mind you. Still demands the last say and doesn’t like me answering back. So, in the deep recesses of my mind I can still fantasize that she’s dominating me.

Authoritarian, I guess you’d call her. But not in bed.

Not until last weekend.

I’ve been feeling sexually frustrated for the last couple of weeks. I’ve even considered visiting a professional domme. I’ve surfed the web for femdom sites and read a lot of femdom articles.

Last Friday I had it out with V. I explained my frustration.

“I’m not suggesting we go back to a female led relationship,” I said. “But going from one extreme to the other is not working for me at all. Can’t we come to some compromise?” I asked.

V asked what I had in mind and I suggested that we might spice our sex life up a bit as we used to do.

“So, you want to lick my ass, is that it?”

“Yep, pretty much,” I said. "Can’t we have a session, just tonight,” I pleaded.

“OK, but I don’t want you to think this is going to be a regular thing,” said V.

So, that was it. V instructed me to place some towels on the floor. We then stripped naked, she lay face down and allowed me to massage her back, her bottom and thighs. Then she permitted me to lick her ass thoroughly. She even went to the effort of humiliating me by offensive comments, which really got me excited.

“That’s all you’re good for, isn’t it. Licking my ass. And drinking my piss. How did I end up with someone so pathetic?”

We finished by her pissing on me. “I don’t think I want to make love to you,” she said.

“If you want to cum, you’ll have to masturbate right here and now.” And so I did.

Well, at least it’s a start!

Back at Home

2008-02-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

V and I have moved back in together!

At this stage it’s not a reunion as we aren’t living as wife and husband, although V has left the door open to a full reconciliation subject to certain conditions.

I guess my feelings concerning V are well documented on this blog. I adore her. I worship her and I would do anything for her to accept me as I am.

V, on the other hand, has several reservations about our future relationship.

She readily acknowledged that she missed me; that I have many attributes which she loves. The trouble is she could no longer accept my “sexual” submissive tendencies – at least not to the extremes as they were manifested in the months prior to our separation.

I’ve moved into the spare bedroom. On weekends we have the kids I’m permitted to sleep in her bed but needless to say there’s no sexual intimacy.

V has agreed to me being her servant in all ways other than sexual.

She’s forbidden me to mention the words “dominant”, “submissive” or any such similar derivative. She’s also forbidden me to fantasize such thoughts.

In time she’s prepared to accept me as her sexual partner on a purely vanilla basis – with no kinks.

The one aspect she does enjoy – and admitted that she’d missed – is for me to serve her. Serving her is a permitted part of our new relationship and I must admit, I enjoy it thoroughly. It’s what I was born to do! I know that now.

I’m permitted to masturbate on my own provided I don’t masturbate to femdom fantasies. I’ve been trying to be honest to this pledge I’ve made but it has been hard and not entirely successful. I realise I must try to do away with this sexual fantasy of mine if our marriage is to survive. I have to learn to accept and cherish vanilla sex above femdom role play.

At the moment I’m just grateful I can be her servant and pamper her and spoil her in the way she definitely deserves. It gives me great pleasure and I thank her every night for having me back under her terms.

It’s important for me to explain the reasons for her conditions of marriage in case some readers may think they’re harsh.

V believes that this obsession of mine is unhealthy and unworkable; that for her to continue to encourage it would lead us back to where we were before we separated.

She understands my need to serve her and she has always enjoyed that aspect of our relationship. By agreeing to allow me to be her servant, she believes I’ll obtain sufficient pleasure and satisfaction as my peculiar personality requires. At the same time, she can enjoy those aspects of my servile personality she most accepts and cherishes.

V has taken over our finances completely – including her doing all the bookwork for my business. She also writes all the office cheques as well as controlling our domestic finances.

I am given sufficient pocket money, although she’s restricted my ability to buy alcohol. By contrast, I’m not allowed to question what she spends on herself.

Some readers will recall in my earlier posts that this was a fantasy of mine. Now it’s a reality!

So, how did these changed circumstances eventuate?

Over the Christmas holiday break I took the kids away on a camping trip into the High Country. To do this I needed to borrow the Range Rover which V was driving (previously mine but which V took control of earlier last year). That meant contacting her and meeting up with her. At that meeting I detected a softening in her attitude towards me.

The kids and I had a wonderful two weeks camped by a stream. During this period we had a real chance to bond as we sat around the campfire at night after evening meals. These moments brought home to me the downward spiral I’d undergone over the past 12 months and the futile obsession I’d been suffering under. Real life was spending quality time with your family – your wife and children, bonding and enjoying life in all its purity.

When we returned from our camping trip, I expressed these feelings to V and it seemed to strike a chord with her. We spoke at length about the meaning of life – what really matters, the memories we’d shared over the years and the fun times we’d enjoyed together.

Slowly V began to thaw in her attitude and agreed to consider a temporary reunion. From that moment I took things gently, sending her flowers with love notes, ringing her at night just to talk, until she agreed to a dinner date. After dinner she invited me back home – not to stay the night – but to talk. We played our favourite CD music, drank a bottle of wine or two and generally had a real heart-to-heart discussion about where we were at and what might be.

The following weekend I moved back in on a trial basis. I thought it might be awkward at first, and to be honest, there was a tenseness during that first week. But I was amazed at how quickly we re-connected (kink aside).

V laid down the rules which I’ve outlined above and that was it! Although we’re still not sleeping together and V still reminds me that this arrangement is temporary, I feel that we’re a couple once more. But we’re more than just a couple. V is now definitely the boss and I’m her devoted servant. At times she’s intolerant, difficult, quick to criticize and all those things, but when she shouts at me, or tells me off for some small error in my service to her, I get a sexual charge which takes me to a higher space in my subconscious. It’s powerfully erotic and blissfully comforting. I don’t need sexual domination. This is real domination and to me that’s just perfect.

Some readers may consider our new relationship one-sided or unnaturally balanced. The truth is we both love each other very much. I SERIOUSLY WANT to serve V and she enjoys being pampered. Sure, she has problems with the sexual manifestations of my submissiveness, but really that’s a small price to pay on my part. After all, many submissive husbands merely fantasize about serving their wives and accept vanilla sex as inevitable. I believe V and I have much more. I must admit, I can’t stop my sexual fantasies, even though V has insisted I do. But at least I can be her servant, and that’s much more than I was 12 months ago.

Need to Confess

2007-12-20T16:05:00.000-08:00

Last night I visited a friend of ours. Her name’s Heather and she’s never married. I’ve always fancied her in some way and have often felt she could be dominant. There’s that cool, disparaging element about her.

Anyway, I told her the reason V and I had split up was because I was submissive. She asked what that meant and I said I liked to serve women and wanted them to take charge. She seemed puzzled – not disgusted, but uncomfortable.

She said I was just bashing my self up – feeling a sort of self loathing which was totally normal when a long term relationship ended. She then quickly changed the subject.

Don’t know why I felt the need to tell her, but I did.

Blogs I Read

2007-12-20T15:33:00.000-08:00

I've been reading quite a few blogs recently and I'd like to add three which I think are very good:

The first is a new blog by Richard (Polyfetishist) called Fetish Meme. It provides some thought provoking prompts for blogging with a particular bent on S/M.

The second is Hers Forever which details the experiences of a husband who aims to please his FL wife.

The third is Bossed Hubby which in many ways parallells my own experiences in nurturing a female led marriage, even to the point where his wife nearly left him. It's well written and provides some excellent guidelines for subs on what to do and what not to do if you are to develop a successful female led relationship.

A Bitter Pill

2007-12-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

V has decided she doesn’t want to encourage me any further. As such, she has decided that I shouldn’t go over to the house and I shouldn’t cook her meals.

She wants a clean break.

She said she hopes I’ll find the person I’m looking for, but it isn’t her.

She said she still feels strongly towards me but that I have changed over the past year and it’s not the man she wants to live with. She’s advised me to seek professional counselling.

She wants time alone from me and doesn’t want me to ring her.

She’s concerned about my state of mind. So am I.

Thank God it’s almost Christmas because I’ve lost it with work. I’m drinking far too much and I’m sure that I’m clinically depressed. This is compounded by the fact that I’m becoming more obsessive with being dominated. I look at girls in the street, in the bars, wherever, and wonder whether they are dominant. I constantly fantasize about being humiliated and degraded.

I’ve lost all self confidence and the truth is I don’t care. I no longer want to be a real man, only a worthless slave. That’s the life I want. That’s all I want.

I’m not interested in my friends. I’m not interested in my work. I just want to find someone who I can submit to entirely. I REALLY want that person to be V. The ideal would be a Female Led Marriage, but if that’s not to be, then any type of female led relationship would do. I NEED this. I REALLY NEED this! It’s my calling in life. Nothing else would satisfy me.

Yes, I am mentally disturbed. Even I can see that. In 12 months I’ve gone from a normal, successful man in a loving marriage with the world at my feet, to this. But I don’t care. This is the true me and I want to embrace it with every fibre in my body.

A Different Relationship

2007-12-16T17:32:00.000-08:00

I think V is beginning to realise the benefits of having a submissive at her beck and call.

Last week I suggested I come over and do some housework for her. Her immediate reaction was that she didn’t want me in the house. We’ve met a few times since we broke up, but on neutral ground. She said she didn’t feel comfortable with me spending time alone with her at home.

But on Friday when I spoke to her on the phone she said she missed my home cooking.

I immediately made the offer to cook some meals which she could freeze for the week. She said that was OK and I could bring them over on the weekend.

When I arrived, she had two girlfriends who were visiting. V had previously told them about my submissive tendencies. In fact, the week before we broke up, they had occasion to witness my humiliation first hand.

I should explain this particular incident. Earlier this year V had made me a white lace, frilly maids apron. It’s very short and open at the back to expose my bottom. I often used to wear this apron (and nothing else) when I was cooking or performing cleaning duties.

Anyway, just before we broke up, Claire and Chris were visiting V when I arrived home from work. We hadn’t been getting along well. V had been becoming more dismissive of me over the previous two weeks.

As usual, I began cleaning up the kitchen which is open to the family room. V, Claire and Chris were sitting in the family room drinking and chatting.

And then V said to me “Haven’t you forgotten something?” I was puzzled and asked if they needed another drink. “No,” she said. “Your pretty apron. Why aren’t you wearing it?”

I was stunned. I went bright red and couldn’t answer. I felt sick in my stomach.

Then V told Claire and Chris that she had made me a frilly maids apron and that I liked to wear it when I cleaned up.

“Why don’t you put it on and show my friends,” she said. I said now wasn’t the time.

The girls started laughing and encouraging me. They said V had been telling them about my need to be her slave. I laughed it off and said it helped spice up our sex life but it wasn’t an obsession.

V then countered this by describing my fetishes. Fortunately, she didn’t tell them about my licking her bottom or being pissed on. But she did say I liked to serve her dinner as a waiter and that she’d sometimes feed me her scraps.

This was more humiliation than I could bear and I walked out and went to the local pub. The strange thing (or perhaps not) was that I had a massive erection and was pre-coming in my pants.

Anyway, I’m digressing from this weekend.

As I said, V’s friends were there again when I arrived with the prepared meals.

V called out “put them in the freezer and then you can leave.” Claire then said “pathetic.” Chris said “I don’t know. I think he could be useful, not as a husband, but I think it would be nice to have your own personal maid.”

Once again I began to get an erection. I didn’t feel embarrassed as I had before. Instead I had an inner glow. My heart was pounding and my head was swimming.

V then said “I suppose he could clean up while he’s here.” I looked around the rooms and saw that the place was a mess. The I heard myself say “It’s OK. I’d like to clean up.”

“Say please,” said Claire. “Please can I clean up?” I said. The girls laughed and V said “Well. You’ll need to put on your apron then. Claire and Chris haven’t seen you in it yet.”

I put it on over my clothes. Fortunately V didn’t ask me to strip. I began cleaning up and the girls largely ignored me apart from the odd humiliating or encouraging remark.

V finally said I could leave now. I thanked them and returned to my flat.

In the evening V rang me. We discussed the day’s event. V said she’d largely told Claire and Chris about my fetish and they could be trusted to keep it secret. She said it was necessary to tell them because they were her closest friends and she wanted them to know why we had broken up.

I asked if I could still come over to clean the house (now her house) and to cook for her.

She said she’d think about it. She said she no longer felt the same about me as she used to. She no longer loved me or respected me and that made it easier for her to use me. But she doesn’t know whether she’s ready for me to be her housemaid.

That’s where we’re at. She’s still thinking about it.

It's All Over

2007-11-27T20:07:00.000-08:00

I haven’t written for a while and the reason is simple. V and I have broken up.

I moved out of home the weekend before last. It’s been 12 months since I first created my blog. It’s been a 12 month experiment which has ultimately failed.

When I look back, I can see all the signs. I can see clearly where I’ve gone wrong.

Some months I thought things between V and I would work out. Other lengthy periods were spent arguing. In the end, V called an end to it all. I moved out. She’s moving on with her life.

That’s about all I can say at the moment. My emotions are still too raw. I still haven’t come to terms with it. I’m still blocking out thought – at least in terms of reflexion or self appraisal.

The bottom line is that V has lost respect for me as a person – as an equal. And I can’t blame her. I can’t blame anything about her. The fault is all mine. I stuffed our marriage. No one else. I took a gamble and it didn’t pay off. Much more than that, it has destroyed two lives.

And the worst thing is, I believe we could have been very happy together for the rest of our lives if only I hadn’t pushed this obsession – if only I had treated it as a fantasy and not attempted to create a reality of female domination. It doesn’t work.

Changes to Blogs I Read

2007-10-07T21:49:00.001-07:00

I have added a new entry by rb called Wife Worship which is an extremely detailed Female Led blog.

rb states "A couple years ago, I admitted to my wife that I wished to serve her, worship her and be trained to please her. I am her submissive and believe her place is at the head of the house... mine is at her feet."

I recommend it as an excellent resource site and an interesting aspect on wife led relationships.

I have deleted Silverkey's blog since there have been no entries posted since March. If anyone has heard from Silverkey in recent months, please let me know.

Similarly, I have deleted Helpmate Hubby's site. Unfortunately, Helpmate Hubby can now only be read by invited guests which is a shame because his posts were a joy to many readers. Helpmate Hubby, I urge you to reconsider your restricted access. We miss your journey in a Female Led Marriage. Your posts were always interesting, entertaining and enlightening.

Pushing the Fantasy Again!

2007-09-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

I’m back to my old tricks of trying to top from the bottom.

Things had been going great as outlined in my previous post.

But then I had to push things a little too far, didn’t I.

Harping back to my earlier fantasies, I tried to initiate a set of rules for her to enforce. I wanted her to control me but V isn’t interested in that type of relationship.

I wrote down a code of behaviour for us to follow. Needless to say, V wasn’t impressed!

I’d suggested that her opinions and interests should at all times have priority over mine; that her pleasure always overrides mine; that she decides our social agenda, she makes all the purchasing decisions – in fact all decisions.

I’m afraid I’ve set our relationship back. The strange thing is, V hasn’t said “no more”. She hasn’t insisted that we revert back to a vanilla relationship. I think she acknowledges that we’ll never go back to the way it was. She knows she’s now the boss, but she isn’t ready to extend the boundaries.

Despite this, we have set some basic rules which we aim to live by:

For instance, when I serve her evening meal, I am to present it as a waiter would in a restaurant. The table is to be formally set. I must pull her chair out and wait until she’s seated. I must then unfold her napkin and place it on her lap.

I then pour her a wine before serving the meal. Afterwards I clean up. Occasionally, as a special treat, she’ll have me place a dog bowl at her feet while I stand at attention beside her, replenishing her wine glass. At the end of her meal, she’ll empty the scraps into the dog bowl and invite me to have my dinner. “Lucky boy, aren’t you. Thank your Queen for making the effort to feed you. At times I enjoy equality – you serve me dinner and I serve you dinner.”

Unfortunately sex between us is becoming less frequent. She still allows me to masturbate myself whenever I want. The procedure is quite clinical. We sit on the couch together while she watches TV. I take my clothes off and she exposes her breasts. She’ll then say “ OK” which means I can begin to masturbate while she watches TV. Once or twice she might look at me, roll her eyes or express some form of distaste. Once I have finished, she’ll say “OK you can eat it now and then go and clean yourself up.” With that, she’ll put her bra and shirt back on, and that’s it.

I still get regular beatings if I do something wrong. The other night I made the unforgivable mistake of licking her pussy AFTER I’d licked her ass. From an hygienic point of view, it was a huge mistake!

Anyway, I’ll continue this post once I have more time. It’s been a long while since I last updated this blog so I thought I’d better make an attempt.

Settling into FLR

2007-08-16T18:19:00.001-07:00

We’ve settled down to a nice comfortable balance. It’s not too extreme, just a cognisant understanding between us as to who’s the boss of the household – and that’s V.

There’s no need for words, no games, no manipulation – just an ordinary relationship where V is in charge.

Recently I’ve had no need to seek out other blog sites. In fact, I’ve lost a lot of interest in “the scene”. I guess that’s because I’m happy in our relationship and so is V.

She gives me orders and I jump. Sometimes I detect an amusing smile from V when she tells me to do something and I immediately spring to the task, as though she finds it comical that I’m so under her thumb.

She disciplines me once a week by thrashing me with a leather paddle and a whip – more for my satisfaction than hers. She also allows me to worship her body once a week which includes urination, ass worship and sex.

For the rest of the time it’s whatever she wants, she gets.

But that’s the way I love it. I LOVE being her slave! And she’s now accepting of the fact that it’s the natural order of things in our marriage.

Her Servant Once More

2007-07-17T22:06:00.000-07:00

For the past month we have been living a vanilla life. No mention of Femdom at all. Quite boring really.

But last night V told me to do something and I objected.

“You’re not very submissive these days, are you?” she said.

“Well, you haven’t been very dominant either,” I replied.

We then started a discussion about our previous Femdom experiences and how things used to be between us.

V admitted she liked it when I did what I was told. I said I’d be happy to revert back to my submissive role.

“Then start doing what I tell you, beginning now,” she said.

Later in the evening she seemed happier – more content – than she has been for a long time. I asked her about this and she admitted that, yes, she did prefer it when I obeyed her.

“So, do you want to whip me tonight?” I asked, pleadingly.

“Yes, and there’s a long list of bad behaviours you need to be punished for so I hope you’re up to it,” she said.

I received my whipping last night and it hurt like hell – by far the most painful I’ve received so far.

But I was also extremely grateful to V that she wanted to thrash me and I thanked her intensely.

This morning in bed she nudged my groin with her foot. “Haven’t you forgotten something?” she asked.

“What?”

“My morning cup of tea in bed. Get moving and I shouldn’t have to remind you.”

How good it feels to be her servant once more!

Jekyll and Hyde

2007-06-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

A strange thing has been happening to my psyche over the past few days.

I don’t know whether I’m on-heat or whether I’m just sexually frustrated, but my lust or hunger to be dominated by V has grown hugely.

It’s more than just domination. I have a strong desire to be humiliated and subjugated by V.

I don’t dare confide my desires to her. I know what her reaction would be, but the craving is growing stronger and I can’t seem to get it out of my mind.

I’ve been searching Femdom websites – the more perverted the better.

And then I received a comment from Princess Kiki on my last post. That did it!

Her website is quite extreme and she had me in her power.

I’m not sure how to resolve these overwhelming desires – whether to give in to them and seek fulfillment on the web or to try and ignore them.

Maybe they’ll just go away in time, but then maybe not. I don’t want to become a sexual pervert; a masochistic fetishist infatuated with self degradation. But that’s just how I feel at the moment.

I’m becoming a Jekyll and Hyde and the beast is in danger of escape.

An Intimate Relationship

2007-05-31T17:35:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my post of May 13 titled "A Failed Experiment", V and I have decided to take a break from pursuing a Femdom/FL relationship.

Instead, I’ve been concentrating on those aspects of our relationship which she cherishes most.

We’ve been spending more time going out together. For instance, V has a passion for fashion. Currently she’s studying fashion design with plans to establish her own label.

Last weekend there was an exhibition of period fashion pieces and I suggested we attend. She was delighted and, in truth, we both had a great time together even though fashion is not my thing.

We also go out on long walks together. We've had a late Autumn here and the mornings, while often brisk, radiate a lovely subdued light. In the parks and on the nature strips, golden and red leaves carpet iridescent green grass, giving off a wonderful fragrance. It’s an ideal setting which sets the mood for romance and togetherness.

When I’m at the supermarket, I always make a point of buying V the latest Vogue, Marie Clair or other fashion magazine she doesn’t already have. I also buy her favorite comfort food indulgences.

These little things mean a lot to V and help enormously with our bonding.

Of course I still do the cooking, cleaning etc but I try to add small unexpected touches; little extras which she sometimes notices and other times doesn’t. That’s fine, it’s the thought that counts as they say, and whether she notices I went half way across the city to buy her favorite gluten free blueberry muffin or not doesn’t matter (V has coelic disease which means she is gluten intolerant – no wheat based products among other things).

In short, our relationship is stronger, with greater intensity and more passion.

There’s no domination or submission, no spankings or verbal abuse. It’s a more loving relationship, taking into primary account her needs and desires.

Our love-making is more intimate. Last night V initiated sex for the first time in ages. It began with passionate kissing, cuddling and stroking. I ran my fingers through her hair, my hands lightly caressed the contours of her body. I gently kissed her neck, her eyelids, her cheeks, her lips. She held me tightly. Our bodies became one. With my face between her thighs, I inhaled her scent, kissed nibbled and licked her for 15 minutes or so. Finally we had intercourse – intense, emotional, loving sex.

I called her mommy which I rarely ever do. I don’t have an Oedipus Complex but I felt compelled to utter the word. Perhaps I was trying to crawl back into the womb, so intense was my feeling of love and emotion.
“That’s my little boy,” she said, and I felt safe, secure, warm and protected.

Slavery

2007-05-16T18:44:00.001-07:00

Last night V and I were watching a movie (the original Stargate) in which there was a group of slaves. I made a comical remark that I wouldn’t mind trading places with them.

V said: “That’s what I don’t get about you. You’re nothing like a slave. At work you’re the boss and you love the power. You get off on power. Even at home you want your own way.”

“But work’s different,” I said. “Of course at work I have to make decisions. I’m always making decisions, but at home I don’t want that responsibility. I think it’s because I have so many responsibilities at work that I want to relinquish responsibility at home.”

“It’s not in your nature to be a slave,” said V. “That’s why I have such difficulty accepting that fantasy of yours. I can’t get into that mindset because you’re not a slave. I don’t want a slave. I want the man I married. The one who is capable of making decisions.”

“But you like it when I serve you,” I said. “You like me pandering to you – cleaning, washing, cooking, massages and all that. In that sense you’re happy for me to be a slave. In fact, you want me to do what you tell me to do. You don’t like me answering back and when I do answer back, you get mad. So make up your mind. What do you want from me?”

“Yeh, sure I like it when you do nice things for me. And I like it when you clean up around the house. But you’re not a slave. And besides, it’s not slavery we’re talking about. Its sexual slavery which is quite different. I don’t like the thought of being a dominatrix, wielding a whip, criticizing you, berating you, humiliating you. In fact, it’s the humiliation which repels me most. I love it when you do nice things for me. But I want you to do them because you love me, not for some sexual favour in return.”

“OK,” I said. “I can see your point. Let’s not go down that path 24/7. But when we have sex, can we still enjoy Femdom role play? It’s something I feel I need.”

“Sometimes I enjoy it,” V said. “But often I like normal sex. I don’t want role play to be the only way we do it. I don’t think you can get off unless I’m dominating you sexually and that worries me. It scares me.”

“But when you whipped me the other day, you really enjoyed it. In fact I still have the welts. You went hammer and tongs. You really got into it.”

“That’s because you deserved it,” she said. “As I said, I enjoy it sometimes and when I’m mad at you, I do like punishing you.”

“So we’re both enigma’s. I think we’re almost compatible, but you have a fear of being a dominant. Why not let it out? Why not express it in ways you’re comfortable?,” I said.

“Oh, for Christ sake, go and make me a cup of tea. And I want a back massage tonight. Now lets get back to the movie.”

A Failed Experiment

2007-05-13T19:03:00.000-07:00

While V and I have attempted to balance a 24/7 FLR with the regular routines of everyday life, we have both concluded that this is an impractical, even destructive lifestyle for us at present.

Occasional role play is the way of the future in our relationship. 24/7 Femdom is not working for either of us.

In analyzing our relationship over the past five months (since I first introduced V to a FLR), it’s clear this way of life has created far more problems than advantages. We’ve had more conflict over this issue than any other.

The basic fact of the matter is that I initiated a Female Led Relationship – not V.

It’s MY wish, not hers. And unless V openly embraces this type of relationship, it’s not going to work.

I make no apologies that I’ve “topped from the bottom”. When one partner attempts to introduce a new dimension to the relationship – and one as wide ranging as Femdom/FLR – it’s often necessary to persuade the other partner to incorporate changes they might not be initially comfortable with. This is “topping from the bottom.” It’s introducing the idea of a new element to their relationship and then initiating steps towards its development.

At times I’ve been overly forceful in attempting to introduce this new dynamic to our marriage, with mixed results. And there’s no denying I’m the one with the kink and I’m doing it for my gratification, not V’s.

But at the same time I’ve identified several dominating traits in V over the years – and she’s often enjoyed the sexual Femdom role play we’ve experimented with.

So, I thought that she’d be acceptable to extending this to a lifestyle relationship. This required me to push for changes to our marriage – to “top from the bottom.”

But ultimately it hasn’t worked. Maybe in time but, for the sake of our marriage, I think it’s best to back off for a while; to leave this issue alone.

It was an interesting experiment but, in the end, that’s all it was – an experiment.

I’ll still be contributing to this blog from time to time, but I doubt I’ll have anything interesting to contribute on living in a Female Led Relationship.

Thanks to all of you who have supported and guided me during this five month journey and I sincerely wish you all the very best in your lifestyles and relationships.

New Blogs I Read

2007-05-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

I've added two new blogs which I find myself reading more and more: Tom Allen's The Edge of Vanilla and Mistress 160's Abode. Both have a wealth of information, are very well written and a delight to read. Hope you enjoy them too.

A Fetish Find

2007-04-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

I found a new chat forum today called Fetishlore.com. It features Female domination, BDSM, humiliation, chastity as well as many other kinks and fetishes. It was established by Polyfetishist and I definitely recommend it to those who have not yet visited it.

Fetishlore.com can be found at http://www.fetishlore.com/

Under the section “Human Pet Play” I posted the following which may be of interest to some readers and repugnant to others, but given this is my blog site, I thought I’d repeat the post here for comment:

“We have a cat which we both adore. He has the run of the house and is rediculously spoilt.

On occasions I've mentioned to my wife "V" that I'd like to be her pet also. So far she's dismissed the idea.

Should she agree, however, it wouldn't be on the same terms as our cat of course. As the latest pet in the household, I'd be relegated to serving our cat as well as my Mistress.

And I'd make sure our cat's needs were immediately attended to. Should he wish to lie on my favourite chair, I would of course immediately give it to him.

Should our cat wish to sleep in the bed with my Mistress, which he inevitably does, I would make room for him. This would ultimately result in me sleeping at the foot of the bed and our cat snuggled up on my pillow next to my adorable wife.”

Weekend Away

2007-04-15T18:56:00.000-07:00

I'm still being surprised by V. This weekend we visited her parents who live in a coastal holiday town about 200 kilometres away.

It was a pleasant enough two days and on the trip home I reached over, took her hand and kissed it without saying a word.

"That's a lovely thing to do," V said. "And thanks for going to so much effort with mum and dad and cooking last night's meal."

Then she said "I think I might piss on you tonight. You'd like that, wouldn't you."

When we got home, V instructed me on what she'd like for dinner. She told me to clean up around the house while she settled down to read the weekend newspapers.

After dinner she said "Oh dear. Looks like my period has just started. I guess we won't be doing anything tonight."

To which I pleaded "Please, it doesn't matter about your period. You can still piss on me."

"OK,'" she said. "I'd like that." So she did. Then she let me cum on her breasts and lick it up."

"Yum, yum," she said. "Lick it all up my little cum licker, then you can go down on me." Which is what I did.

A play session? Probably. Is V getting more into this? Possibly. Still, it's early days. Lets see how things progress. But I have to say, she's been pushing my buttons more often recently which is a great sign.

Neighbourly Thoughts

2007-04-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about some of the comments Wayne, my neighbour, has made to me at times.

It's not uncommon for him to refer to his wife as "the boss" or to himself as a "house bitch". He's never shown any overtly submissive signs.

His wife is a psychologist and the main bread winner. Wayne is a psych nurse and works three days a week. On Wednesdays and Saturdays his wife "allows" him to play golf.

He does most of the housework, cooking, cleaning, clothes washing etc.

It appears they lead a Female Led relationship, although I don't know whether they acknowledge this, whether it's a conscious role and whether it extends to the bedroom. It would be an amazing coincidence if our neighbours had successfully achieved the type of relationship I've only dreamed about.

Unfortunately it's not the sort of topic I feel I can bring up with Wayne - it could backfire dramatically.

But still.... There may be a way it can be approached without giving away my own fantasies.

A Cock and Bull Story

2007-04-08T06:52:00.000-07:00

On several occasions in the past V has commented to girlfriends that I have an attractive cock.

(Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not embarking on an ego trip. I’ve got no insecurities in that area and nothing to prove. This isn’t about whether my cock is attractive or not. Who cares?)

But it’s puzzled me that V would say it to friends, particularly when I’m present.

She’d make announcements that I have the “most aesthetically pleasing cock” she’s ever seen. The girls would make suitably lewd comments which left me feeling either embarrassed or awkward and, yes, I’ll admit, sometimes a little proud.

Here’s the thing though. Last night we were invited over for dinner by our next door neighbours. They’re a nice couple of similar age to us and we’ve become quite friendly with them over the last few years.

There were three couples at dinner, including ourselves. Wayne, our neighbour, did the cooking. V complimented him on the first course, to which he responded “It’s nice to be appreciated. At times I feel like I’m just a housewife. I cook, clean the house and do most of the chores.” His wife then said “Wayne has his uses and cooking’s just one of them.”

Well, this sparked an interesting discussion. Each of the women started commenting on the pro’s and cons of their male spouses. It was generally agreed that Wayne and I made good housewives but that further training was required. This blew my mind. Readers of my blog will know that being a “housewife” is a fantasy of mine. To have the subject openly discussed with our neighbours was more than a little freaky.

The subject then progressed to our prowess in the bedroom (I’m serious!). It didn’t get kinky – they didn’t go into detail and it was all very complimentary.

But then V said the only thing that spoiled sex was the size of my “pencil dick.”

Pencil Dick!!! Where the f### did that come from? And why would she say it, particularly given that she’d often complimented me on my “aesthetically pleasing cock” to friends?

The others all laughed and looked at me. I went a deep shade of red and blurted out something to the effect that V had never made any complaints in the past.

Put simply, I was extremely embarrassed. I’d look foolish to deny having a “pencil dick” – particularly given my wife’s contradictory comments. But by not denying it, I effectively endorsed the claim, as misguided as it was.

Noticing my awkwardness, our hostess tactfully changed the subject which was just as well because I was dying of embarrassment by the second.

Later that night, when we were alone at home, I asked V what she’d meant by the comment and why she’d said it.

“Well, you’re the one who wants to be humiliated, so I thought that would do the trick. Did it turn you on?”

“No” I said. “It just made me embarrassed.”

“Well”, said V, “I enjoyed watching you squirm. And it seems Wayne and you have a few more things in common than I thought. Perhaps you should compare notes about who’s the best housewife.”

V still has a way of doing my head in!!!

Playing Around

2007-04-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

V and I were due to have a “play session” last night.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had any sexual activity, partly because our lives have been so hectic lately.

Our usual play sessions (on the rare occasions we have them) involve heavy discipline using a cane or leather paddle, ass worship and golden showers. On the last occasion this was followed by masturbation and then me licking it up.

I was looking forward to this session, although I could tell V wasn’t so enthusiastic.

Prior to me raising the topic of FLR with V late last year we used to have these play sessions about once every two months. In between, during weekly intercourse, she would “talk dirty” to me – calling me a sissy, referring to my “small cock”, suggesting she needed a “real man” and that I should “watch in the corner” while he satisfied her.

These comments were designed to push my buttons – and they did.

Since I’ve tried to introduce a FLR lifestyle to our marriage, these play sessions have all but dried up. Sex is also much less regular. In fact, we haven’t had sex for more than two weeks. When we do, V is less inclined to “push my buttons”. She no longer gets into it at all.

So, generally speaking, you’d have to say the introduction of a FLR into our marriage has been a dismal failure. Things are even worse now than they were beforehand.

Which brings me to our play session last night. V understood my needs were exploding. She agreed to a session after dinner.

Dinner came and went, then she decided she wanted to watch a program on TV. By 10 pm I could gather pretty clearly that nothing was going to happen.

When I raised the topic, she said she was too tired. When I pushed her to expand, she said my submissiveness turned her off. She was no longer interested in it.

When I argued the point, she said she had no problem with me exploring this fetish outside the marriage. In fact, she encouraged me to go and visit a Domme or to go to a BDSM nightclup and find a suitable companion.

Did this mean she was encouraging me to have an affair? She said that if that’s what I need, then she won’t stop me. She understands my needs but she can’t provide for them.

This morning I left for work early. We haven’t had a chance to further explore last night’s discussions, but it seems the dynamics of our relationship are changing, and I don’t mind admitting I’m more than a little anxious.

Looking for a Button

2007-03-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

I’d like to believe there is at least one button I can push which would assist in developing V’s dominance over me.

I haven’t found it yet.

As I’ve said in the past, she enjoys me doing most of the work around the house. She also likes it when I do what she wants me to do. So in some ways she likes to control me. But it’s not a sexual thing for V. In fact, I don’t think she has any sexual interest whatsoever in dominating me.

So it’s a matter of finding a button somewhere which will have some sexual connotation to her.

I don’t know if it’s possible. I don’t know if I can identify within V any association to link domination with sexuality.

I’ll keep trying.

Either Your Dom or Not

2007-03-26T16:52:00.001-07:00

Perhaps I’m a slow learner but I’ve finally come to the conclusion you can’t coerce your partner to become dominant.

While Elise Sutton, Ms Rika and other well known Dominas have suggested the best way to find a dominant partner is staring you in the face, I don’t believe existing relationships can easily adapt to a Femdom lifestyle.

Put simply, I don’t believe you can change someone’s nature. Trying to change your spouse will inevitably lead to disaster.

Either your partner is dominant or she isn’t. If it’s a suppressed part of her nature, the chances are you CAN draw that part of her personality to the fore, and that can lead to a successful Femdom relationship.

However, if it isn’t there to begin with, you can’t create it within her.

Sure, if you take on a submissive role, you can spoil your partner. She can become selfish or bossy, but you can’t create a Domina unless it’s a natural part of her make-up.

Herein lies the dilemma for many submissive males living in a long-term relationship. While many women will accommodate your submissiveness to some degree, it is rare for them to initiate Femdom activities.

V is yet to initiate Femdom in any meaningful way. She’ll accommodate my submissiveness to some degree, but it’s just to satisfy me, not her.

Real Life Sucks

2007-03-20T17:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a few weeks since my last post. Work has been chaotic. There's nothing like a dose of reality to bring you back to earth!

I've been working long hours and am exhausted when I get home. Needless to say my enthusiasm to serve V has waned somewhat. V has been great. She said our relationship is like a see-saw - she's there to take up the slack when I'm under pressure and I'm there for her when she needs it.

The reality is that D/S 24/7 is a hard act. I envy those couples who don't live together. It's much easier to play when you only see each other intermittently.

Anyway, this is just a short post. I'll talk more when I've got some time to think straight.

I haven't had a chance to visit any other blogs lately. Hope life is well with you all.

Too Much Detail Two

2007-02-27T16:13:00.000-08:00

Last night I asked V whether she would allow me to serve her if we were no longer married.

Her response was not what I expected.

After pondering the question for about an hour, she said she was glad I’d raised the subject, because she had a few surprises in store for me.

Yes, she had thought about kicking me out. And she’d thought about her personal circumstances if she did.

She understands that sexual submission is the only role which will make me happy in the long run.

So, she confided in me that she’d gone through the facts in her own mind:

We were in love which at any age is hard to find, but as a woman in your 40’s, is even harder.

I was a man whom she could picture spending the rest of her life with.

I had a successful business and money enough so she’d never have to worry about struggling financially.

But she really didn’t want a “slave”. Afterall, this was my fantasy and she’d just be a player. It would also be a lot of hard work because I seemed to want her to take control of my entire life.

Then she thought there were probably thousands of women out there who, like vultures, would be more than willing to go through any sexual charade for financial security, even if it meant mistreating me in any way I wanted. They wouldn’t even have to love such a man. But V and I actually did love each other.

So she resolved that if I really did need this type of woman, she’d play the role – a full dose of dominance.

She’d decided that, rather than divorce me, she’d protect herself financially. In a nutshell, she’d stay with me and make sure I stayed with her. She wanted a post nuptual agreement. She said we’d have only one lawyer – her lawyer. It would be an incredibly one-sided agreement in her favour. In the event of a divorce, she’d get everything and put me into deep financial debt for the rest of my life.

I said to her that such an agreement would effectively burn all my bridges if things shouldn’t work out between us. She agreed and said I should make sure that things did work out between us.

Furthermore, she said, there’d be no more sexual intercourse with her, but she’d allow me masturbation as often as I liked. “Aren’t I good to you? As often as you like,” she said. I was to masturbate on her feet and lick up my cum. Of course, I was to thank her for the privilege.

Then she told me she expected a tribute every time I was allowed to orgasm. I’m allowed to masturbate under her supervision, but only after I’ve presented her with $500. This would go into her account.

Depending on how well I satisfied her, this tribute may be raised to $1,000.

I told her I soon wouldn’t be able to afford to orgasm.

V told me that was her intention. Financially, she intended to reduce me to a virtual slave.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “We’ll also play your games. You want to eat out of a dog bowl. From now on you WILL. You’ll also clean my bottom, wash me, dress me. You’ll do all those lovely things you crave.”

At the end of her speech I asked increduously “you’d really do all that? You really think that way?”

Her response was “In your dreams. Now get back to reality and make me a tea.”

Too Much Detail?

2007-02-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

V and I are actually quite good at communicating. I tell her pretty much everything which often gets me into trouble – too much detail!

So today I thought seriously about whether I would mention my fantasy of serving her if we were divorced – how would she react? Would it cause another argument? Would she be disgusted?

On balance, I thought it would be prudent not to mention it. Let this one pass.

But then I read a comment by Mistress Laura’s boy in response to my previous post.

“My sick hot fantasy is that she orders me to divorce her and basically give up all my rights and all my property with a very one-sided Marriage Settlement Agreement. She tells me that I will no longer be sleeping in her bed by default, but that if I want to continue to be her slave, I need to prove it to her. When I ask her what I need to do, she takes me to a tattoo artist and has "Mistress Laura's property" tattooed across the small of my back. From that day on, I am nothing but her property.”

It was too much. I have to raise this subject with V. I’ll talk to her tonight.

Sick Thoughts

2007-02-25T18:42:00.001-08:00

As I mention previously, V and I had a major argument a couple of weeks ago which nearly resulted in separation.

At the time, despite all the mental anguish, I couldn't help thinking what I would do if V actually left me.

What if she lost respect for me as a husband, could she then find it easier to accept me as a slave; abase me, deride me but still use me for her own benefit?

If we were no longer married, there'd be no need to respect me. We wouldn't have an emotional tie. Our relationship would no longer be based on love and respect. In fact, she might be vindictive enough to use me as a slave.

V is a lousy cook. She's also got used to me being a houseboy. In fact she enjoys me doing all the house duties.

Would she allow me to serve her if we were no longer married? What would I do? Would I abase myself completely, throw myself on her mercy and beg to serve as a slave rather than a husband? To what level of degradation would I stoop?

As frightening as it was to contemplate that V might actually leave me, there was a perverse excitement that she may still allow me to serve her. I was sexually stimulated by the thought.

What a debased individual I am!

New Link Added

2007-02-25T18:33:00.000-08:00

I’d like to add two new Aussie links.

Bonnie from CollarNCuffs is a Top from Downunder with a wicked sense of humour and a refreshing openness. She’s been active in the Femdom scene for a long time and enjoys a 24/7 relationship with her slave, Oz.
Lucky Oz!

The other site is Journey into a wife lead marriage by Cagedone. This was one of the first FLR blogs I read and was one of the main incentives for me to start my own blog on the subject – so I owe Cagedone a debt of gratitude – I think!

Anyway, hope you enjoy CollarNCuffs and Journey into a wife lead marriage.

Labels, Who Needs Them?

2007-02-22T20:02:00.000-08:00

I’m becoming annoyed and frustrated by the negative attitudes of some within this community towards those of us who are trying to find our way within a Female Led Relationship.

Personally I don’t see the difference in definition between a Female Led Relationship (FLR) and Loving Female Authority (LFA). In fact, I don’t see the need for a definition at all.

Yet I recently read a post from a self proclaimed “slave” to his female partner who was critical of those involved in Loving Female Authority (LFA) relationships.

In part he said:

“So it is sad for me to say that I just don't get these so-called LFA relationships. I've read several bloggers and other writers involved in or looking to get involved in these types of relationships. Occasionally, one of them will even have a good idea that causes me to reflect on my own relationship and how I can better serve my Owner. But for the most part, I just can't wrap my head around their outlook.”

Now this seems puzzling to me. Here is a male who, by his own acknowledgment, is in a long-term relationship with a woman. He loves and values his partner and she loves and values him. He defers to her judgment and states that it is this deferral which makes the relationship work so well.

In another post he says:

“I will defer to her judgement. This is the thing that makes our relationship work so well, that I am more interested in obeying her than feeling I am "right" and that I trust her judgement to guide us along the correct path, even if I don't necessarily agree with her view.”

Yet he doesn’t see himself in a Loving Female Authority relationship. Moreover, he says he “doesn’t get these so called LFA relationships.”

“I have to honestly say, I don't understand the attraction for others to these LFA relationships. But I have to laugh every once in a while when I get lumped into that same group. We are very different creatures indeed.”

From his postings it appears that LFA relationships are partly defined where one sex is considered to be inferior to the other: “So I have trouble understanding how emotionally healthy it can be to be in a relationship where one sex is considered to be inferior to the other”.

A Female Led Relationship, Loving Female Authority, Female Led Marriage – what do these terms mean?

Does it really matter? Do we need a definition? Why are some within this community disparaging of others simply because of the term they use to describe their love and devotion towards their female partner.

Who says all males within a LFA relationship believe they are inferior to their female partners? Some may believe they are inferior. Others may not. Who cares? And why the need to criticize those who do?

It seems to me the terms Female Led Relationship and Loving Female Authority mean different things to different people – and so they should. Peoples relationships evolve in different ways.

For my part I have latched onto the term “Female Led Relationship” because to me it best described what I wanted from my relationship. Formal definitions don’t come into it.

And I am certainly not about to start making negative value judgments on others who choose to use this term to describe their own unique relationships.

Now I know there are other readers who have reflected on my progress (or lack of it) in a FLR. And several have used my post to question the merits of my approach. Indeed some have used my setbacks to justify their own preconceived notion on how a FLR should function.

To them I would say keep an open mind.

Please don’t criticize me for the way I go about trying to progress a Female Led Relationship.

Please don’t make value judgments on how I relate to my wife, on how I express my own submission, what I say to my wife or what I do.

We are all trying to find our own way – in our own way. That’s the meaning of life.

FLR, LFA, BDSM, Femdom, S&M or whatever. Labels – who needs them?

Reprieve

2007-02-21T17:31:00.000-08:00

V and I have had some fairly indepth discussions over the past few days and, while we’ve resolved our differences, the dynamics of our FLR have been moderated somewhat – at least for the time being.

There was a misunderstanding when I told V I wanted to be the “wife” in our relationship.

Her assumption was that I wanted to dress as a woman, wear high heels and a frock. This wrongful interpretation took her over the edge. My use of the word “wife” related to my desire to assume the home duties of cooking, cleaning etc and for V to formally acknowledge her role as the person in charge.

I’m mentally drained. We both are. I certainly have no sexual energy which is probably just as well because we’ve agreed to step back a little and to resume more of a conventional married relationship. Femdom play is on the backburner. No more requests that she dominate me. No more expectations on my part.

I think our recent argument has brought us closer on an emotional level. It’s often good to clear the air and to make up – to reaffirm our vows of love and commitment.

If there’s one thing which is abundantly clear to me now, it’s the undeniable truth that topping from the bottom DOES NOT WORK.

For anyone interested in pursuing a female led relationship, please listen to me when I say don’t push too hard. Let things progress slowly. Follow your Mistress’s lead. She’ll find her comfort zone within her own good time. Don’t attempt to make your fantasies your reality. The two are very rarely compatible.

Should you find a woman who is prepared to let you serve her, pamper her, spoil her and indulge her, you are a very lucky man! Don’t expect more. Don’t seek more. The fantasy world of the Dominatrix is extremely rare.

Wifeless Led Marriage

2007-02-15T03:38:00.000-08:00

It's been a horrible night.

I mentioned to V I wanted to be the "wife" in our marriage. She totally flipped.

Now she wants a separation.

The Twilight Zone

2007-02-14T21:31:00.000-08:00

There was a comment that polyfetishist made in response to my last post. He referred to my FLR as a “houseboy” thing.

That started me thinking. Am I merely playing the role of a houseboy to my wife, performing the household chores of cleaning, cooking etc? Am I simply a 1950’s housewife? And if so, how does this role fit with the generally accepted definition of a Female Led Relationship?

If sex is rarely a part of our FLR, what differentiates me from simply being a houseboy to my wife?

In my fantasy world, my wife would control me completely - mentally, physically, financially - and she could do whatever she wanted. I, on the other hand, would be looked on as a servant/slave with no rights or expectation of privileges. I would be required to ask permission to perform tasks for my wife and thank her for allowing me to please her.

In my fantasy my wife would demand me to satisfy her sexually, but would masturbate me, piss on me and allow me to lick her bottom. She would humiliate me, whip me, fuck me and cuckold me.

In reality, however, I am simply a houseboy going about the routine daily chores.

Is this a Female Led Relationship? Is this what I had in mind when I begged to be her servant?

I don’t think so and perhaps that’s why I’m having so much difficulty finding the willpower and motivation I need to serve her.

But can I expect her to act out my fantasies if they aren’t her own? Or is that trying to “top from the bottom”?

We could end this all now if I wanted. We could simply go back to being a normal married couple with equal rights and obligations to each other, and the occasional Femdom play session.

But then I’d see what my life would be like without serving her and there’d just be a huge hole. I’d be miserable, totally unfulfilled.

So I’m trapped in this twilight zone – neither satisfied nor discontent.

Soul Searching

2007-02-13T20:20:00.000-08:00

The more blogs I read on Female Led/Femdom relationships, the more inadequate I feel.

I’ve come to the conclusion I’m far from a satisfactory submissive. At the moment I’m finding it a struggle to serve my Mistress 24/7. There’s a conflict within me which won’t go away.

On the one hand I enjoy being V’s servant and I’m elated whenever she acknowledges my servitude. On the other hand I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find the willpower to complete the numerous tasks I’m now expected to perform on a daily basis.

V has become increasingly demanding. She’s also become increasingly critical of me when I don’t perform to her satisfaction.

Our love life is virtually non-existent. Certainly, my sexual desires are not a consideration and this is becoming increasingly frustrating.

I have a myriad of conflicting thoughts going through my mind. I’m frustrated at my inadequacies, disappointed by my selfishness. I enjoy her giving me orders and welcome her growing domination over me. I miss sex and the femdom games we used to play. It all seems one-sided at times - I do all the household duties, comply with every order I’m given. I have no time to myself. And yet, at other times I remind myself how fortunate I am to be living in a female-led relationship. I realize that V is doing no more than accommodating my long-held desire to serve her and to pamper her.

Why then am I finding so much difficulty with motivation? Why do I sometimes cringe when she demands another task? Why do I resent her seemingly constant criticism?

And yet at the same time I’m turned on by her criticism. I enjoy it when she tells me off or denies me some small personal want. Yesterday she screamed abuse at me for using her car (formerly mine) to drive down to the supermarket. On the one hand I was pissed off. On the other hand I was excited and I can’t seem to resolve this conflict within me.

There’s so much turmoil within my head. I switch from highs to lows, joy to disappointment, eagerness to frustration.

V seems very happy in her role. She enjoys giving me orders and criticizing me when I don’t perform to her satisfaction. She’ll mock me, disparage me and accuse me. She’ll tell me she loves me and needs me, then she’ll denigrate me, berate me and make me feel worthless.

Part of my thrill is her unfairness. I want the inequality and the humiliation. I’m excited by her use of power and her increasing desire to wield it.

Yet, on a day to day basis, in reality I’m struggling to find the willpower to serve at her beck and call. I can’t seem to shred this skin of selfishness, strip away my ego and self-centered needs.

Maybe it takes time. Certainly the reality of being submissive is very different from the fantasy.

The bottom line is that I’m disappointed in myself, particularly when I read other blogs such as fd, http://fdhousehusband.blogspot.com/ thomas http://laurastoy.blogspot.com/
whatevershesays http://shestheboss.blogspot.com/ and polyfetishist http://polyfetishist.blogspot.com/ to name just a few. (If anyone can provide me with advice on how to insert links to other blogs - I'm very limited when it comes to using the internet)

Anyway, I have a lot to learn. I only hope I have what it takes to become a submissive in the long run!

Mindset V Reality

2007-01-24T17:23:00.000-08:00

For the past week, Wife led moments have been rare. Or I should say Femdom moments have been rare, because the two are quite different.

I think it’s correct to say I am now constantly in a wife led marriage. Femdom is more in MY mind and the fantasies of a femdom relationship are quite different from reality.

However, for the most part, it’s life as usual. Submitting to her in small ways seems to be a good and practical goal. In reality, I think it’s as far as I can extend this type of relationship for now.

I’m coming to the realization that those special occasions when she tells me to do something which is counter to what I’d normally do, are very precious and all that I need to be fulfilled.

Of course my fantasies are still important to me. I need to be controlled, but for now that’s a state of mind which I can delight in privately.

I’ve conditioned myself to comply with any request she may make, perform any task she may set, accept her judgment above mine and, most importantly, not expect any reward.

I won’t deny that it’s hard to maintain this attitude even though there’s little or no reciprocation. Of course I like her to acknowledge my submission, and naturally I’d like her to initiate some Femdom elements.

I appreciate the work she’s put in, the way she’s accepted my submissive desires even though she didn’t wish for this new dimension to our relationship.

But the fact is, I am a submissive. I need to be controlled by my wife. That’s a major part of who I am and that won’t change.

I remind myself that this is the life I’ve wanted to live. I’m very fortunate because now, after all these years, I AM living it – and not just in my mind.

"Ex" Cited

2007-01-11T19:31:00.000-08:00

An interesting thing happened last weekend which I think is worth recounting. My daughter is attending the Australian International Scouting Jamboree which is being held in a town about two hours drive from where we live.

The Jamboree goes for 2 weeks and last Sunday was Open Day for parents and friends.

My ex wife rang me during the week and asked if V and I were attending. I said we were and she asked if she could receive a ride. Now, this in itself was amazing because my ex has never got in the car with me since we separated. In fact, she has constantly put me down, to me, to V, to the kids.

But out of the blue, she asks if she can get a ride to the Jamboree in our car!

Sunday arrived and off we went, the three of us. My ex was charming the whole way. V and she talked about the kids, good and bad, difficulties we’re both having with them, enjoyable anecdotes etc. I’m being very quiet. I thought it best to let them talk among themselves. Besides, I found the whole thing rather unnerving. It was very strange to have them both in the car together.

During the journey the girls needed to stop for a toilet break. While in the bathroom my ex said to V, “M has come a long way since we were married. I knew he had it in him, but you seem to have brought out the best in him. I can’t believe when the kids tell me he cooks all the meals and cleans up the house. It’s so out of character from when we were married. I wish he’d shown that side of himself before.”

V said I was adorable. She went even further and described all the work I do around the house.

Later my ex said to me “V seems to have brought out the best in you. From what I’ve heard, you’re a totally different person to the one I was married to. I hear you’re now doing so much more ... etc.... I shrugged and agreed I had changed somewhat since we were married. I excused this by saying I was very young and ignorant when we were married and that I’d since grown up and seen the errors of my ways. She was my first love. We were school sweethearts and married young.

Anyway, what I’d like to know is this: How many of you are in a second relationship where the ex has subsequently noticed the submissive side of you.? How does she feel about the “new” you and would the marriage have survived if you had been able to activate your submissiveness in that previous relationship. In other words, if you had been able to come clean and admit your submissiveness to your ex when you were married to her, would the relationship have lasted?

Give and Take

2007-01-11T00:59:00.000-08:00

This evening I was walking around the house naked (besides, the weather here has been extremely warm). V looked down at my penis and said “You’d better keep My cock hard because you never know, one of these days I might actually use it.”

She’s gone back to calling me her pet, her slave, her servant so her anger with me is certainly thawing.

V has now taken control of my Range Rover. It’s been my pride and joy. She says she owns it now and that I have to ask permission to drive it.

In one sense this is a real turn-on; willingly handing over one of my most prized possessions. On the other hand I know how much I’ll miss it. Se la vie. At least V has given me access to her Mazda.

My Mistake

2007-01-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

It seems my concerns about V were unfounded. I’ve been a fool and V was more than justified in taking the approach she did with me.

Once things settled down she explained her thoughts. This is pretty much what she said:

“I believed you were doing this because you loved me, adored me, worshiped the ground I walked on. Not because I’m genetically superior. What sort of crap is that?

“I was really getting in to you serving me because you WANT to, not because of some kinky fantasy about women being superior.

“You’re just trying to fulfil some fantasy you’ve read from Sutton’s book. You’re paraphrasing what she says word for word as if you’ve rehearsed it. That’s not romantic. It’s tragic, it’s pathetic, and when I said “stop” I wanted to stop you from being pathetic.

“I don’t want a pathetic partner who actually believes women are superior because of their genetic make-up. That’s bullshit.

“Sure, women are better than men at some things and I know we mature earlier, learn quicker, are higher achievers in many respects. I’m a teacher. I know these things. But don’t feed me that crap about women being superior to men. Women fought against men being superior in the 1960’s. It’s ridiculous to now argue the total opposite.

“That’s your fantasy not mine and you just sound pathetic by carrying on about it.

“When I said stop, I was trying to save you the embarrassment. But you kept going on. This isn’t about me or what I want. It’s about what you want. That’s what made me furious.

“I want romance, not some perversion about women being genetically superior. That’s hardly romantic. I want you to do these things for me because you adore me. That’s romantic. Now you’ve ruined it. I was getting into this because you made me feel special; because I thought you loved me. And you’d gone to so much effort to please me. But it wasn’t pleasing me, was it. It was fulfilling your fantasy of the all superior, all knowing female dominant.

“Don’t bother, and don’t disrespect my intelligence by reciting such crap from that book. Of course women aren’t superior. Nor are men superior. We’re equal and that’s what feminists have been fighting for since the 1960’s and before.”

What an idiot I am. I feel like doing away with all the shit I’ve been writing about on this blog. She’s right. It is an embarrassment.

I think Polyfetishist was right on the money when he commented: “I think Sutton does us all a great disservice. Men are not inferior. Sutton's research is just trash.”

I feel embarrassed at the way I’ve slavishly followed her opinions and advice.

It seems I’ve misjudged V yet again.

Pandora's Box

2007-01-09T03:41:00.000-08:00

A strange thing happened tonight and I don’t think I understand the dynamics of it.

In fact I’m quite confused. Could it be that V has taken this thing to a new dimension, one that is more than I considered?

I’ve already confessed on this blog that I instigated a Female Led relationship. If I’m honest, I manipulated it. I planned and instigated it. But did I, or have I simply opened Pandora’s box? What have I activated here?

I’ve REALLY managed to piss her off and I don’t know why.

It started this afternoon when I said in conversation “Women ARE superior to men.”

She said “Stop. I don’t want to hear that. I’m a feminist. I know that. I know what you’re going to say and don’t say it.” (That’s new. She’s never mentioned she was a feminist before).

She then said “You’ve just destroyed this thing. You’re pissing me off. Go away.”

We left it at that. I had no idea what upset her but I knew enough to let it lie.

All was going well. I’d cooked us a great meal and we settled down on the couch together to watch a movie.

I made the mistake of repeating what I’d said during the afternoon, but I went further. I said “You’re my superior. You’re a woman, you’re genetically superior. You’re more intelligent...”

“”That’s enough. Stop,” she said.

“You’re compassionate, considerate, morally stronger....”

“I said STOP. How dare you disobey me! Get out of here, now!”

“I don’t understand. What have I done that’s wrong,” I pleaded.

“Get this straight,” she said. “I’m in charge now and when I say stop, that’s it. I don’t want to hear that crap and when I say stop, you don’t. You keep going. What sort of a servant are you. You either obey me or you can move out. You’re embarrassing yourself and disrespecting me. I’m not interested in your fantasies. You’ll do what I say, when I say it or it’s all over.”

WHAT THE FUCK?

What’s going on? Has she really taken this thing to the extreme? Has she just flipped over to this totally dominating bitch? I don’t understand, and she won’t talk to me.

So I’ve just come in here and started writing. Trying to get my mind around it. I wanted a LOVING Female Led Relationship, not a sadistic, dominating bitch. This is right out of character for V. What have I unleashed?

YESSS!!!

2007-01-05T14:43:00.000-08:00

Last night V rewarded me in a big way!

She told me to go and get some old towels and to lay them on the floorboards in the familyroom.

She directed me to strip naked. Then she proceeded to piss on me, telling me that this was my special reward for being a good boy. I drank her precious gift and exulted in her Womanly magnificence.

V ordered me to masterbate and, only on her command, to cum over myself. Then she said “lick it all up. Every drop.”

It was the first time I’d swallowed my own semen. Perhaps it was the “subspace” I was in, or perhaps it was the enthusiasm with which I took to the task, but I hardly recall the taste of it. It certainly wasn’t unpleasant.

V looked down at me in a self-assured way. She had a haughty arrogant expression as she looked into my eyes, a slight smirk on her face, her hands on her hips, her long legs and majestic womanhood towering above me.

“Go and clean yourself up, then make me a tea,” she said.

It’s been going really well lately. V has been getting into the spirit of telling me what to do. In fact I think she relishes her authority.

She’s taken to it better than I thought. And she’s becoming quite demanding.

She’ll just put her feet on my lap on the couch and not even ask for a foot rub. It’s expected. She’s said her glass of water is never to be empty (she drinks a lot of water). Whenever she’s finished a glass, I’m to refill it immediately. She doesn’t thank me when I bring her anything – a glass of water, cup of tea, her dinner etc. She’s definitely getting into the role.

V’s finding more jobs for me to do and she’s being more critical of my efforts. Whereas before, she’d be appreciative of me making an effort. Now, not only does she expect me to do everything, but she is judging the quality of the tasks I perform.

This morning I asked her whether she now preferred me to be submissive.

“Yes, I actually do. I love you to bits and I adore your submissive side. It’s just that before you were so overwhelming, so intensely into it. You were over the top but now you seem more relaxed. You’re not so full-on.”

I said “that’s because you’re now getting into the role. You’re definitely keeping me motivated. I feel more secure in watching your dominance being released. I can see you getting turned on. Serving you is the only purpose in my life now. It’s the only thing I want to do.”

She said that worried her and that she didn’t want me to lose focus on my career. She didn’t want me to lose my drive. “Now that I’ve stopped teaching, I want to be sure you’re not going to lose the plot. You still have to focus on your job. Now more than ever.”

That’s true. And it worries me. Not only do I now have to provide for my children and my ex-wife, but I also have to provide for V and I. That’s a lot of responsibility.

Serving her, worshiping her is one thing, but I still have to keep a balance in my life and maintain a sense of reality.

What bliss. When I think about how far we’ve come in the past couple of months, I’m amazed.

Sometimes You Have to Fight

2007-01-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

I know I’ve said you shouldn’t “top from the bottom” or push too hard when you’re first exploring a Female Led Relationship.

But I’ve found sometimes you have to “fight” for what you believe in.

Sometimes you have to “push hard” to progress this lifestyle if your partner is hesitant.

V and I had a huge argument after the kids went back to their mothers. I wanted to resume where we’d left off. V wanted to tone things down.

I said: “You’re happy for me to do all the housework but I need some ongoing motivation. I need you to acknowledge our FLR but you don’t say or do anything to encourage me. You haven’t even bothered to read anything.”

Whenever I said how much I enjoy serving her, how fulfilled I am, how natural this seems or how contented I am in serving her, she just responded with ”that’s good, so you should.” That’s as encouraging as it got.

Now, I know a lot of people are going to say “So what. It’s not about what you want. It’s about pleasing her. It’s about what she wants.” And that’s true. But in this early stage of our Femdom relationship, I’d like a little encouragement.

On the day we had the argument I’d been working my ass off doing all the shopping, running her errands, cleaning the house, including dusting and polishing. Then the bathrooms. Then the laundry. I made her breakfast, lunch and dinner. V slept during the day, read magazines and that’s about it.

That’s fine. I really got into serving her. I was in a great mindspace. I said to her “this is the way I always want it to be. I want to be your servant. I want to do as much as I can for you. The more I can do, the better.”

I’d just finished giving her a massage. At the end of it she said “don’t expect anything more. It’s just a massage, nothing more.”

I said “That’s OK. It’s up to you when I get any sexual relief. In fact, I haven’t masterbated for two weeks now.”

“Why’s that?” she asked.

“Because I don’t feel I should unless you allow me.”

“Shit, don’t tell me I have to do that for you as well,” she said.

“No, I’m just saying I don’t want to cum unless you agree.”

“Look, I don’t want to have to make all the decisions. Don’t put that on me. You’re taking this too far,” she said.

“You don’t understand this thing, do you? You don’t understand what Femdom is. If you’re honest with yourself you’re not really into this, are you” I said.

“Not to that extent. I don’t want to tell you when you can cum.”

With that, I stormed out and went to visit a friend where I stayed the night.

The next morning V rang me. She was in tears and I felt ashamed of my behavior. I went home and we made up.

V then said she would try harder. She said she’d try to read Elise Sutton’s book. She said she enjoyed me doing things for her but she didn’t know how to act or how to respond.

We both expressed our love for each other and I then started busying myself with the cleaning up etc. V picked up Elise Sutton’s book and began to read.

After the preface and introduction she began skimming through some chapters. She said so far she found it interesting and informative, being written from a female point of view.

That night, V told me I’d done a great job around the house and that I’d been a good servant.

I thought I’d go for broke and push things a step further. I drew up a list of motivations which required no effort on her part and I then presented it to her.

This is the list I wrote:

• Remind me regularly who is Superior

• Make me confess my place in the marriage

• Write lists for me to do to please her

• As a treat if I do a good job, show me her breasts, bottom or pussy

• If I do a really good job, allow me to lick her bottom or agree to piss on me

• Provide little encouragements like “Good pet”, “Good servant” or “You’re job is to please your Superior”

• Say “Who’s needs are more important?” if I seem reluctant or selfish

• Insist that I thank her for allowing me to do things for her

• She’s never to thank me

• Allow me to bathe her

• Allow me to go down on her (but only allow me to orgasm if she says so. I want her to control my orgasms. I want her to own them)

• On occasions, allow me to sit at her feet, to be her footstool while she reads or watches TV

• Regularly discipline me (Maybe set aside one night every week to appraise my performance).

I asked her if she felt uncomfortable with any of these requests. She said she could handle them.

So, you see, from a major argument where I topped from the bottom, I think I was able to push things along quite a lot.

Now we’ve moved into a new phase. I think it was worth it!

Living with Kids

2007-01-03T18:00:00.000-08:00

It’s been a while since I posted a blog. We’ve been on holidays since Christmas, enjoying the hot weather. For most of that time we’ve had my kids with us so it’s been difficult to develop our FLR.

It must be complicated in this type of relationship with when you’re raising a family full time.

We have four kids from my previous marriage. They spend most of the time living with their mother, so we only have them for three days every second week and about 10 weeks through the year.

V has bonded well with the kids. After all, she’s been a major part of their upbringing for the past 8 years.

For a few years V wanted us to have a child of our own but in the last couple of years she’s become less eager. While I have a great relationship with my kids, I don’t want to have any more. Four’s enough!

Life at home settled back to “normality” while they were staying with us over Christmas. I’ve always done the cooking so that stayed the same, but I was doing less of the household chores.

I intend to gradually increase my home duties when the kids are with us – do the laundry, clean the bathroom etc. But V is resolute that I shouldn’t be seen as “serving” her in the way that I do when we’re alone.

It’s going to be difficult to switch between vanilla and D/S roles. You get into a pattern of behaviour (where V snaps her fingers and I jump) and then everything is put on hold.

I’ve been trying to develop our FLR to a higher level. I’m not satisfied with just doing more about the house. I’d like her to openly exercise her domination over me. And she’s been taking to the role.

But I’d like this to be a lifestyle and I’m not sure that’s possible if our daily routine is put on hold every couple of weeks.

Any advice on how this can be done successfully? Or am I expecting too much.

It’s Respect, Not Expect

2006-12-18T16:36:00.000-08:00

I’m making an effort not to appear submissive. Our daily routine remains much the same. I still make her breakfast and dinner, and I still do most of the household duties.

The weekend argument is forgotten and we are happy once more. The difference is that I don’t place any expectations on her. If she chooses to “reward” me in some small way, that’s entirely her initiative.

This is the way I should have allowed things to progress from the start.

If there’s any advice I can give others who wish to embark on a Female Led lifestyle, it’s this:

Just do things for your wife. Don’t expect anything in return.
Don’t raise the topic of Femdom. Show her the benefits of this lifestyle by example. Serve her more each day but don’t place any pressure on her.

I think V is subconsciously starting to accept our new roles. She’s beginning to see me as her servant and she seems comfortable with that – at the moment.

If I ever detect any hesitation on her part, I back off. I’ll engage her in a conversation about politics, current affairs, her career, her future goals – whatever. But the important thing is to maintain her interest in me as an intelligent individual – not as a slavish puppy dog.

So it seems she is taking to me serving her. She enjoys that aspect of our relationship. But she also wants me to think for myself, stand up for myself and appear as her equal in all other things.

In time, I’m sure, the dynamics of our new roles will sink into her psyche and she’ll genuinely see me as her inferior. She’ll embrace her newfound authority over me and this lifestyle will become perfectly normal. But I have to let HER grow into this role without my encouragement; on her terms, in her own good time.

In the meanwhile, I just try to make her life as comfortable as possible.

This morning, before leaving for work, I changed the bed linen and put on a crisp, white bedcover, white sheets and pillowcases. I then went down to the local shopping strip and bought six long-stemmed red roses. I put these on the pillows as a surprise when she arrives home from work tonight.

Secretly I’m still reading Elise Sutton’s book “Female Domination”. But I don’t do so openly, and I don’t leave the book around where V can see it. I don’t want to remind V of terms like Femdom. I don’t want to associate our new lifestyle with any expectations on her part.

Take it slowly. That’s the hardest thing for me, but it’s the only thing I can do.

Besides, over the past week or so I HAVE been topping from the bottom, I HAVE been pressuring her, making demands on her. I’ve been extremely selfish. I’ve been manipulative to achieve my own personal desires and, indirectly, I’ve been the one who has dominated our relationship.

This is simply not acceptable. Nor is it workable. No wonder we’ve got off to such a bad start.

It’s little wonder V has been confused and exasperated. On the one hand she’s expected to be in charge, to give me orders. On the other hand there’s this expectation on her to behave in a certain way, to provide certain gratifications.

I should expect no reward. I should not EXPECT at all!

It seems I’m finally learning.

Small Steps

2006-12-18T03:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight we were lying on the couch watching TV. Well, V was lying and I was sitting next to her. Then, without saying anything, she lay her feet on my crotch. I took up the cue and started massaging her ankles, toes and arches. After about 15 minutes she said “don’t stop. That feels great. Then she said “I think I’ll keep you”.

That’s all. Small steps.

My Wife

2006-12-17T21:53:00.000-08:00

I submitted this post yesterday but decided to withdraw it shortly after. I'm still not totally sure that I should publish it and I've modified it slightly. Anyway, here it is:

I’m coming to the conclusion that this blog is an expression of my thoughts for other readers as well as for myself.

Because of that I need to explain V, who she is and what she means to me.

In an attempt to respect her anonymity, from now on I’ll avoid any further reference to her identity. Her name will be “V” and I’ll edit previous posts to ensure her anonymity is respected (also in case I choose to show her this blog site in the future).

V is a senior school teacher specializing in textiles, fashion design and photography. She’s highly motivated and has an excellent rapport with her students. She puts in long hours and sometimes resents the fact that she earns less income than I do, despite the fact she works twice as hard.

V has a great eye for fashion. In fact, she’s about to embark on a career in the fashion industry, having decided to take a year off from teaching, which is the only career she’s ever had (more about her fashion career later).

She’s always buying international fashion magazines and has an excellent eye for future trends. While her wardrobe is mainly black, brown and taupe, she has an uncanny ability to combine most of her items to create a striking effect.

Perhaps I should describe V’s physical features. I’m writing this on an impulse and perhaps I’ll withdraw it as soon as it’s published.

V is 5 feet 10 inches tall (178 centimetres) which is 2 inches taller than I am without her high heels. She has natural strawberry blonde hair (white blonde in Summer) with blue eyes.

Anyway, the point is V is a stunning woman who attracts the attention of many men. She’s fit, trim and works out at the gym. Her nose is small and upturned and she has chubby round cheeks with dimples. She has large breasts and has often suggested she would like a breast reduction (because they’re so heavy) but so far I’ve been able to convince her not to. She has beautiful light pink nipples which almost blend in to her pearly white breasts. Her tummy and hips are to die for. Her ass is also round and large. A Rubenesque ass I think. Not fat or dimpled but firm and round.

God I love that ass!

She has long, long legs (which accounts for her height) and usually wears stiletto heels. That means she towers above me (4 inches at least) which I find alluring, being the submissive I am.

I love V so much. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me. She has a way of drawing in people she meets. She’s fun, flirtatious, with a bubbly although somewhat scatty personality. She is very intelligent and has a natural ability to set people at ease (perhaps it’s the teacher in her). She’s a perfectionist at work and achieves outstanding results for her students. A high achiever, you could say.

She’s extremely emotional and fiery by nature. She’s quick to express her opinions and her strong sense of justice. V is unable to hide her emotions. She’s mentally incapable of keeping her thoughts to herself and is often embroiled in arguments about politics, social injustices and prejudices.

She knows how to tell a good story and to play an audience. She’ll play the “dumb blonde” to great effect if the moment suits her, but her intelligence and knowledge of current affairs is astute. She’s a consummate reader of newspapers, magazines and books and prefers television documentaries and news to movies and sitcoms.

V loves international travel and spent two years working in some of the toughest underprivileged schools in London.

That about sums V up, but of course I’m biased. I love her and need her and I’m often in awe of her. She’s most certainly my superior. I just wish she saw it that way!

Playing with Fire

2006-12-17T19:08:00.000-08:00

I’ve come to a crossroad and our relationship is in a precarious position.

Two weeks ago I ordered Elise Sutton’s book “Female Domination” from America. It arrived in a brown cardboard wrapper on Friday. It’s somewhat larger than I’d imagined it to be – about 300 pages.

Anyway, I started reading it when I got home from work. V was having a rest in the bedroom.

Chapter Two of Ms Sutton’s book is titled “The Superior Sex”. This chapter talks about women possessing the greater strengths – intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and sexually. Her premise is supported by convincing scientific and social research.

By all accounts, it provides an indisputable argument that women are indeed the superior sex and that it’s only a short matter of time before females ascend to the topmost positions of authority in business and politics.

I thought this chapter might appeal to V, particularly some of the research results.

I was wrong.

It seems as though the book itself triggered an eruption in V’s mind. The cover of the book displaying an erotic leather-clad woman didn’t help improve her perception.

“I don’t want to read that stuff.

“This is going too far. I give an inch and you want a mile.

“This isn’t about what I want. It’s about what you want! I want a normal relationship.

“I want to make my own cup of tea. I want to do things for myself.

“What’s happened to the man I married? You’ve turned into a mindless, obsessed moron. That’s not who I fell in love with!”

This is dangerous territory. What’s wrong with me? I’m normally very perceptive. I can normally read people’s reasoning. In business I survive on intuition.

Is my personality changing? Perhaps it is. During the past few weeks, since I’ve become totally self-absorbed with a FLR, I’ve become less socially interactive. I’m no longer interested in small-talk conversation at work. I’m less inclined to seek interaction with friends.

I’ve taken one step forward and now two steps back. Christ, I wish I knew someone who I could confide in, someone who could help guide me through this process. I know there are hundreds of internet sites which provide all sorts of help, but that’s not the same as just talking to someone you trust. And the person I trust most of all, namely my wife, I can’t talk to!

It’s time to back off. My marriage is riding on what I do next. Time to take a deep breath. Let things calm down.

Maybe I’ll show her this blog site. No, not yet. This is my therapy, my refuge. At the moment this is just for me.

In the meantime I’ll surf the net, read other blogs, interact online. Maybe I’ll find some sense in all of this.

Living the Dream

2006-12-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

It’s been a week now since my last post and things have improved dramatically.

Following my previous conversation with V on December 5, I decided to write her a letter, outlining my thoughts on the subject of a Female-Led Marriage (see below) and whether our relationship was strong enough to embrace this lifestyle in some form at least.

Her response was more than I dared to hope for. Provided I didn’t “top from the bottom” she’d consent to such a relationship!

In fact, she was so moved by my letter that she expressed a desire to “nurture” the submissive side of my nature.

With my input, she wrote me a list of tasks she demands I now perform and behavior she expects from me at all times.

This includes ALL domestic duties.

Mornings begin with the following responsibilities: Before she wakes, I am to place a newspaper on the dining room table with freshly squeezed fruit or vegetable juice and a cup of tea. I am then to prepare her breakfast of fruit and yoghurt and only then am I to wake her.

Before leaving for work I am to clean the kitchen, make the bed, tidy up the living room and take out the trash.

In addition, I wash the clothes, hang them on the line, fold and pack them away. I do all the grocery shopping. She decides what we are to eat each night and I am to prepare all meals and clean up afterwards.

I’m expected to do all the dusting, vacuuming and polishing. Once a week I will clean the entire house and do the gardening.

Of course, I fetch any item she desires (a cup of tea, magazines, her slippers, small snacks etc) and will do all incidental tasks that are required (eg. write and post the Christmas cards).

Personally, I enjoy golden showers and ass worship – that’s just me.

V said that if I performed my set duties as demanded, she would urinate on me on a regular basis and allow me to lick her bottom each night while she watched TV on the couch. This was to be my special reward.

In addition, she would regularly remind me I was her servant and that she was my superior. I am to thank her whenever she sets me a task. She’s never to thank me for any task I perform. A common phrase of hers over the past week has been “You’re becoming a good little servant. Make sure you do better because Mistress deserves better.”

It’s the only time she refers to herself as Mistress, She won’t allow me to call her by that title, although she doesn’t object if I sometimes call her Miss or Princess.

Of course, it’s occurred to me that V has surreptitiously decided to set me a daunting list of tasks in the hope I’ll lose interest in this type of arrangement. I haven’t, and it appears to me she is rather enjoying her newly acquired role as Queen of the household.

It’s been a week since we’ve adopted the above routine and last night, after a very busy day at work, I must admit I was feeling more than a little worn-out. In fact, it was a struggle to rekindle my desire to serve at her beck-and-call.

Then, she said to me “such a good little servant. You make me very happy. Come and lick my bottom. There, that's where you belong."

And all of a sudden I was in seventh heaven!

A Detailed Discussion

2006-12-06T17:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my birthday.

V asked if I’d like to go out for dinner. I said I’d rather cook a special meal at home (see recipe below) followed by a light play session.

After dinner she re-raised the topic of a Female-Led Marriage. She said she was willing to look at the pages I’d printed from various web sites. We discussed the content in some detail.

Let me express some of V’s concerns:

Firstly, she sees very little in this lifestyle of value to the wife. Most of the literature talks about the husband doing a greater share of domestic duties and pleasing the wife in bed, while being denied regular physical release himself. This doesn’t do anything for V.

Sure, she enjoys it if I do more around the house. But that’s what she expects from a modern day marriage. She no more respects a matriarchal marriage than she does a patriarchal one. To her, marriage should be about both partners supporting each other; helping each other around the house, treating each other with respect, living and communicating as two equals.

She’s concerned that her personality will change if she allows me to serve at her beck and call. She feels she’ll become more self-centered, spoilt, lazy, demanding, and that’s not who she wants to be.

V believes most of the information on this subject is written by men, for men. It’s about men’s desires to be dominated and how women can be manipulated to accommodate those desires.

She believes it’s emotionally draining for a woman to be regularly required to keep the submissive partner in a state of erotic stimulation or expectation. It’s an unrealistic day-to-day lifestyle which works to destroy the cherished principles of marriage; namely to love, honor and respect.

Having said that, V understands and accepts my submissive side. In many respects, she values the caring, sensitive, feminine (not feminized) part of my personality. This is part of what she finds endearing in our relationship.

During our discussions I apologized that my obsessions had added a complication to our relationship. I suggested that perhaps we could gradually build on the aspects of our relationship we enjoyed.

Would she feel comfortable with me taking over more of the household responsibilities?
Yes, within moderation. But don’t make it seem like there’s an expectation in return.

Would she enjoy regular back and foot massages?
Yes, I’d always welcome a massage, but do it because you want to and not because it’s part of a game.

Could I buy her special treats or tributes?
Yes, but only on occasions otherwise they won’t seem special.

Given my deep-seated desire to be her servant as well as her partner, could she accept and nurture that deep-seated need?
Yes, I’ll try but don’t expect me to constantly “acknowledge” it.

In other words, V is happy to gradually incorporate my subservient desires into our daily relationship on the understanding that she’s doing this for me, not for her satisfaction. She will “accommodate” female authority provided I don’t put undue pressure on her.

I believe we have made significant progress since the weekend. The point is to take things slowly – not to overwhelm her.

I’m conscious that, if I push too hard, V will lose her respect for me as an individual. And that would DESTROY our relationship.

RECIPE:

Salmon fillets with green apple salad

Ingredients:
½ teaspoon salt
2 salmon fillets (or cutlets)
1 green apple, sliced into “matchsticks”
1 red onion, sliced thinly
1 cup loosely packed fresh mint leaves
½ cup loosely packed fresh coriander leaves
¼ cup lemon juice
½ cup roasted unsalted cashews

Palm sugar dressing:
1/3 cup grated palm sugar (or brown caster sugar)
2 tablespoons fish sauce
2 teaspoons grated ginger

Preparation

1. Sprinkle salt evenly over fish. Cook fish medium-high heat on oiled grill plate (or barbecue) until browned both sides and cooked as desired.
2. Meanwhile, combine apple, onions, mint, coriander and juice in large bowl; pour over half the palm sugar dressing, toss to combine. Divide fish among serving plates; top with salad, then cashews. Drizzle remaining dressing over fish.

Palm sugar dressing

Combine ingredients in small saucepan; bring to boil. Remove from heat; strain. Cool before using.

Tips:

Roast cashew nuts in a large heavy-base frying pan, stirring, until the cashews are fragrant. Stir them constantly when roasting because they can burn and become unpalatable very quickly.

Don’t slice the apples until you’re ready to toss with the dressing because they’ll brown when exposed to the air.

Bad Timing

2006-12-03T15:55:00.000-08:00

I think I've blown it!

Subconsciously I knew now wasn't the right time to raise the subject with V.

She's been under a lot of work pressure the past couple of weeks. As a teacher this is a busy time leading up to the end of the year - marking assignments and report writing. She's been working at home every night to meet deadlines.

I guess my revelation about a Female-Led Relationship was the last thing she needed to hear.

Her immediate reaction was fairly hostile. "Go and see a psychologist" or "Sort your head out. It's destroying our relationship" were some of her responses.

I'd printed off the pages of several sites in the hope that she'd read them. Not a good move!

Of course we argued. "It's all about you." "It's all about your fantasies." "If you really loved me, you wouldn't put this presure on me." "If you really wanted to do things for me, you'd do them without expecting anything in return."

Fairly typical responses I guess. I knew I should have taken things slowly.

Back to square one. Let her calm down.

She's right of course. I'm only thinking of my own needs.

Best if I just continue to do as much around the house as I can, without any expectations.

1st Post - Coming Out

2006-11-29T21:05:00.000-08:00

OK. I'm obsessed.

I‘ve been obsessed with the possibility of a female controlled relationship since I stumbled on Elise Sutton’s Female Superiority site only two weeks ago. Since then, I’ve searched every site I could find on female dominated marriage.

That’s not to say I’m new to the Femdom/BDSM scene. In fact, for the past 18 years I’ve fantasized, read about and experimented with female domination.

It’s just that fantasies are one thing; the possibility of a loving, caring relationship which incorporates my fantasy, is something altogether new.

I’d previously surfed the net for information on femdom, although my favourite site was http://www.asstr.org/ which is a collection of sex stories with a large femdom component. While I enjoyed the eroticism of these stories, I never confused them with reality. Such Femdom stories were implausible fantasy – nothing more.

At times I’ve sought to fulfill my submissive fantasies, believing that maybe, just maybe, I might incorporate them into my daily life in some small form, if not 24/7.

I joined a local BDSM club which met monthly, but quickly decided this wasn’t my scene.

Then I met V. That was eight years ago. We've been living together for most of that time and this year we were married in a "fairytale" setting in a Scottish castle.

Early in our relationship I revealed to V my submissive fantasies.

While V thought it was "a bit out there" she was willing to give it a try. For a while we were able to incorporate a combination of vanilla sex and light bdsm.

However, true to form, I pushed the boundaries too far, too quickly, and V lost interest.

Very occasionally over the past eight years she's "played the game" and accommodated my submissive bent. This was only done for my benefit. V got very little pleasure from these play sessions. Not that she thought they were "perverted". It's just that it wasn't her scene.

This has been the steady pattern for most of our relationship - vanilla sex most of the time with the occasional light bdsm play. Otherwise, it's been a very traditional relationship.

Since I stumbled across Elise Sutton's site (and others) a couple of weeks ago, I've harboured a hope that maybe V might be receptive to a "Female-led" relationship.

This weekend I'm going to broach the subject. Lets see how things progress.