My want is to worship you, to serve and obey you, to always put your needs above mine. You are my superior. You are strong, intelligent, sensitive and compassionate. You are Woman and you are beautiful.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Taken for Granted

I haven’t posted for a while because there hasn’t been a lot to say. I guess it’s patently apparent from my recent reflections that openly acknowledged Female Authority is not working in our relationship, so I’ve taken a step back.

V is obviously aware that I still entertain submissive obsessions but chooses to ignore them. And I’ve learnt to restrain from any reference to FLR, as hard as that is to keep in check.

Besides, V is far too busy studying and working to give any thought to my sexual fantasies....or to sex at all for that matter!

So I’ve settled down to my old ways – the days before I tried to initiate a female led marriage. I browse the internet, join chat groups, read other blogs and fantasize about relationships with other women.

If I’m walking the street, I’ll try to spot women I think might be dominant. Can you pick a Domme in the street? I don’t know, but some women certainly display that aura.

On Saturday night we had some friends over for dinner. I did all the preparation, cooking and cleaning up. Without wishing to brag, I was an excellent chef, maître d' and sommelier.

V didn’t lift a finger and it felt good to play the role of the dutiful servant. Throughout the night V treated me as little more than a staff attendant, virtually dismissing me as someone outside the social gathering.

On the whole, V still expects me to provide her with a high level of service. She still expects me to clean the house, make the bed, do the laundry, cook the meals and tidy up afterwards. She still demands a certain obedience.

I guess, in many ways V is indicating that she’s the head of the household, and she is demonstrating her authority over me. She’s comfortable in that role now – far more so than she was before.

The other day she said: ”It’s all well and good you doing what I tell you, but you don’t show enough self-initiative. I shouldn’t have to tell you to do the washing. You should think to do it for yourself.”

So, in some respects our marriage IS evolving into a Femdom relationship. It’s just that there’s no excitement in it, no sexual charge.

God forbid if I say it, but I DON’T FEEL APPRECIATED. Rather, I feel used and abused. Taken for granted. Ironically, there’s an unsettling analogy here with the commonly expressed feelings of those dutiful housewives in the 1950’s and 60’s. Interesting.

29 comments:

Lady Julia said...

I'm sorry to read that you're having such difficulties. Everyone needs to feel appreciated, but I think submissive men especially seem to need to know that their efforts are pleasing.

Does V know how you feel? Offering praise isn't an automatic thing for some people. Maybe it would help if you told her what you wrote here - that you loved serving her, but you want to know that she loves you doing it and appreciates your effort.

Only you know the two of you so it's just a thought. Best of luck.

subservire said...

Lady Julia, thanks for your comments. V used to feel uncomfortable bossing me around to begin with and always thanked me if I did something for her. Early in the trial period of our FLR I encouraged her not to thank me every time I was of service to her. She rebelled against this, as she did about most things to do with Femdom.

More recently, however, she’s become more comfortable giving me orders and generally telling me what to do. It’s now rare for her to thank me or, if she does, it’s a token gesture with no heartfelt meaning.

The problem is that if I raise the subject with her and tell her I don’t feel appreciated, she’ll back away from her position of power and she’ll no longer feel confident to give me orders.

While I’m less than satisfied with our current version of FLR, it’s better than nothing. If I suggest that she’s not praising me, I’m sure she’ll totally repress any signs of authoritarianism which is not what I want either. I guess I sound fairly mixed up!

Elle said...

Hmm it does sound a little mixed up. Well, from reading this post only. I'll go ahead and read some more ;)

But I'll say this much: if my guy wanted me to be dominant, yet "criticized" how I did it, I would back away too. I don't know about your wife, but for me, I'd retract partly because I'm insecure. Also, I think I'd be a little pissed that the person who says he's submissive to me presumes to tell me how to dominate him.

No offense meant, this is just my take on things. Thought maybe that throwing these ideas your way might help? If I'm out of line, let me know.

Lady Julia said...

I think praise is a part of the D/s dynamic and something many submissives need. Personally I do not see that talking with her about how you feel is telling her how to dominate you. Feedback is important in a D/s relationship if we want it to grow.

That said, I can understand your reservation in talking to her about this when you initially encouraged her not to do so. Perhaps you could offer remarks that would lead to an affirmative response at least. "I hope this has pleased you." "I love doing ___ for you and I hope that you are happy with my efforts". This may not give you exactly what you want, but it might lead to a happy medium.

Anonymous said...

Subservire

As I've previously written, I know your situation really well from own experiences.

Recently I've realized that the real problem might NOT be my submissiveness but in reality a really bug difference in sexdrive / libdo.

I showed her this link http://doctordigger.blogspot.com/2005/07/top-10-ways-of-identifying-ll-partner.html and it really hit the head on the nail.

We have had many good conversations after this and I'm certain that we're closer to the real reason. Unfortunally not closer to the solution...

Eurosub

subservire said...

Thanks for the link eurosub. Judging by the descriptions, I'd definitely say V has a low libido, although this wasn't always the case. In fact, for most of our years together V had a very healthy, although vanilla libido. During the past couple of years V has been on anti-depressants and she maintains that they greatly reduce her libido. Apparently this is quite common.

Anonymous said...

Subservire,

I have experienced what you are going through. Before you give up please read what I have to say.

The first thing to realize is that usually there is very little sexiness for the wife in a female led marriage simply as a result of her power position.

We males get a certain emotional boost out of being challenged to serve our Ladies well, and that boost is very erotic in nature. We make the mistake of projecting that emotional boost onto our wife believing that she will feel the same way i.e. she will get erotically charged up when her husband willingly subjugates himself to her authority.

That sort of mutual erotic energy as a result of power exchange is actually at the heart of D/s which unfortunately only rarely emerges in a female led marriage.

However if you truly love your wife and have a true submissive bent you will still find great satisfaction in pleasing her day to day through a wife led marriage.

As for sex, you no doubt find yourself in the strange position of not feeling comfortable initiating due to your personal acceptance of being submissive to her wishes. Unfortunately all the groveling and service in the world will not get her libido fired up, in fact it probably does the opposite.

Example: My wife LOVES a good pedicure and likes it even more if I give it to her while wearing a particularly scanty and slightly humilitating outfit (think "male stripper" here, not "cross dresser")....but I know if I am giving her a pedi I can be sure I won't be getting any sex. I get all wound up about the erotic power exchange, kneeling at her feet, massaging, prepping, and finally painstakingly painting those gorgeous toes...But the only thing that gets her excited is having pretty feet! However, when I finish she is so genuinely pleased and happy that it is all still very gratifying to me. But why does she like the outfit she wants me to wear? I couldn't tell you, but for certain it isn't anything to do with "sexy," so it must have to do with "servant?"

Although you serve your wife, keep in mind it is important to be "All male" some of the time too. After all, it is no secret that women are attracted to strong males. Your submission is best shown in contrast to your (male)strength. This is also very often true in matters of sex.

And with a little luck and communications sometimes she will occasionally be able to enjoy being seriously Dominant too. I mentioned that we males like to be challenged to serve our Ladies and in that challenge lies the erotic boost.

Whether it is a fantasy about her testing your devotion to her with a collar and crop, or a challenge to do sometihng above and beyond with regard to your domestic chores, a challenge put to you on her part is a basis for erotic motivation on your part.

Share that pearl with her and perhaps instead of just seeing her lifestyle in your wife led marriage as a sort of unusual but convenient arragement, she will also become aware of and occasionally just might utilize the D/s energy there for her personal enjoyment.

Most of the time expect vanilla though. However, you can still be proud and happy to serve.

I would never go back to a "traditional" patriarchal marriage with my beloved wife, and I know she wouldn't want to either. We both love our wife led life.

subservire said...

Anonymous,

Thanks for your prophetic thoughts. I have to agree with most of what you say, although it doesn't give me a great deal of enthusiasm. It would be so much more rewarding if V achieves some kind of sexual charge by expressing her dominance in our relationship. Unfortunately, I think you're spot on. Don't get me wrong, I DO get significant pleasure serving V and being submissive to her wishes. I guess it was my hope that this could extend to a mutually sexual level.

Susan's Pet said...

Glad to see you are still posting. I sympathize with you. Perhaps your wife is really affected by antidepressants. It happened in my marriage at one time. It caused my wife to be almost totally disinterested in sex. She was aware of it, and tried different prescriptions until one was more satisfactory.

As for your FLR, it seems that you have one, just that the sex that you desire is missing. It is hard to say whether your wife has any love for you based on your description. If she still loves you, then there is hope for both of you. I see nothing wrong with your doing romantic things for her, "setting her up" in a way, and her acknowledging your need for sex and acting on it occasionally. It need not be female initiated or D/S, just plain vanilla joy at least on your part. She should understand that, and help you with it.

Good luck, my friend.

ctredford said...

It's been a long time, but I still check in to see how you are doing.

How are you doing?

Anonymous said...

Yes, I'd really like a status too if you have the time and energy!


Eurosub

Ms Alice said...

So similar stories!
I can't believe it.
I know the feelings of you both.
I also know that YOU are the one who can change the status in your relation.
-I completely agree with Ellen's comment.
Read it again.
-Read more in My blog.
-Put your needs aside.
-Have NO expectations and fantasies. Make HER your fantasy. Not all women are the same, especially to those from OWK...
-Stop critisizing Her.
- Reverse Her opinion that you are "kinky". It's bad even for a D/s relation.
- Only you know what turns Her on. So, work on it! Her sexuallity will come to the surface again.
-Don't be selfish ( you are )
-Don't give up, just try harder.

Stiffler said...

Hello,

I'm all too familiar with your scenario. May I recommend this great book that describes a working D/s marriage and gives advice for both parties. The book has an odd name: Uniquely Rika and you can buy it online. Alternatively if you search www.archive.org for www.msrika.com you'll find some of the material in a less complete/organised form.

I'd heartily recommend it. But be warned: for the woman it's fairly easy, for the guy it's hard work!

Anonymous said...

Like you mentioned, this sounds just like the tale of a housewife in the 50's and 60's, and even housewives today. I think this demonstrates something: When placed in a dominant position, she doesn't act very differently from most men in the same position.

I think part of the reason she may be doing this, and part of the reason other men and women in the same position do this, is because they don't exactly see what they're doing because their partner hasn't approached them about it. You don't have to sit by and accept it without saying very much. Your feelings should mean a lot to her, so try telling her that you are comfortable in your role and that you hope she is, and tell her that you don't want that to change, but that you would like a little appreciation.
People like to be appreciated, and I'm not trying to stereotype(so please don't be offended) but men seem to need almost more appreciation for what they do.

You sound like a good guy and a rare but valuable catch. I'm sorry she doesn't seem to appreciate that.

Anonymous said...

It was certainly interesting for me to read this blog. Thanks for it. I like such themes and everything that is connected to them. I would like to read a bit more on that blog soon.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Gruffalo said...

Subservire, it seems to me that not feeling appreciated is a sign of problems in any relationship, and as previous bloggers have said the only solution is to talk about it with your partner.

I could be wrong, but I think you may be mistaken when you say you would rather be taken for granted than run the risk of not being dominated. On another femdom blog, somebody made the point that his relationship with his dominant wife had many layers, and the deepest ones were about love and partnership. Perhaps it would help you and V to think in layers.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a while, and being a submissive man myself, can definitely identify withg what your saying here!

I think the "challenge" of not being forced to serve your Mistress better is what is causing most of the frustration here. Most submissive men (myself included!) get aroused by being submissive, but that arousal subsides somewhat upon recieving limited, or sometimes not much at all interest towards understanding HOW the submissive ticks. To us, a stern look from one's Mistress or a casually issued, yet stern order with a flick of the finger can turn us on for days, more so than perhaps any amount of servitude can. I think the trick lies in understanding this aspect of the relationship fully, and unfortunately, this seems to be the hardest to explain to those who aren't "naturally" (I use that term very loosely mind you) dominant. My wife wasn't really into domination before she met you, and while she does allow me to worship her, it's more because it really turns me on rather than because she wants to dominate me. Granted, I'm still happy since she allows me to worship her, but I'd like her dominance to show more, if you get my drift. It's one of those things that can't be forced though, and will take it's own time.

Silly thought maybe, and I haven't tried this personally, but have you tried being "locked up" (chastity)? I've often found that the more I'm denied sexual release (either due to me controlling myself or my wife, usually the former), the more submissive I get, and the less frustrated I stay, simply because of the pent up sexual desires. Of course, not sure how long I could personally continue being locked up, and not get frustrated again, but it might be worth a try. Now if I could only convince my own wife to get into this as much as I am! ;)

Just some random thoughts. . .Hope this helps just a little!!

Cheers -

Mystery (choosing to stay annoymous for now)

Anonymous said...

Don't be such a pussy. If you choose this sort of relationship it's going to fucking hurt. You have to get over it and stop being such a baby.

Source: Three female led relationships, all of which were brutal. I'm not saying that flr are bad (I like it), but just that it's not going to feel that pleasant at first and will take some getting used to. In fact, it's going to feel terrible. And the sort of pain is a slowly acquired taste. Right now you're a 13 year old girl complaining about the taste of whiskey. Get over it.

Anonymous said...

And furthermore, regarding this little tidbit YOU wrote:

"So I’ve settled down to my old ways – the days before I tried to initiate a female led marriage. I browse the internet, join chat groups, read other blogs and fantasize about relationships with other women[!!!!!].

If I’m walking the street, I’ll try to spot women I think might be dominant. Can you pick a Domme in the street? I don’t know, but some women certainly display that aura."

Absolutely disgusting. You want to devote yourself to this woman but you fantasize about others? So. fucking. shitty.

Anonymous said...

Some things are better left fantasy. One thing I've noticed about FLRs is that many are more distorted than patriarch-dominant relationships of bygone modalities and are rife with exploitation. I'm not saying that there aren't mutually happy, mutually loving FLRs out there, but they seem to be the exception, not the rule. Servility tends to inspire contempt more than it does appreciation.

Anonymous said...

It does not approach me. Who else, what can prompt?

Julie said...

«So, in some respects our marriage IS evolving into a Femdom relationship. It’s just that there’s no excitement in it, no sexual charge.»

You are all the same... You want Us to rule but your way. This is why Female Authority is not working in your relationship. You don't obey Her, you are not a real slave.

«The other day she said: ”It’s all well and good you doing what I tell you, but you don’t show enough self-initiative. I shouldn’t have to tell you to do the washing. You should think to do it for yourself.”»

It's very boring to do micromanagement. You must anticipate Her needs. She is not your mother to repeat endlessly what you have to do. You are Her slave. Forget your little sexual excitement in it, and just OBEY.

Anonymous said...

I think a lot of men seeking FLRs want a relationship dynamic where the women take the primary leadership initiative in the partnerships (domestically, intimately, etc), not an imperious dynamic where the women lord it over the men as if they were subhuman (hence the term female-led relationship, not female-ruled serfdom).