My want is to worship you, to serve and obey you, to always put your needs above mine. You are my superior. You are strong, intelligent, sensitive and compassionate. You are Woman and you are beautiful.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I Believe.....

After many years fantasizing and attempting to initiate a female dominated relationship, I’ve drawn some conclusions of my own that may not sit well with all those wannabe subs out there looking for the perfect FLR.

I believe male subs who are looking for a Femdom relationship are, in the most part, deluding themselves and will never find what they believe they’re after.

I’ve finally reached the decision (some will say about time) that I’m not naturally submissive. I’m too selfish. It’s just that I have my wires crossed sexually. My wife is not by nature sexually dominant, and neither are most women.

I believe:

That so-called subs are primarily “sexually-stimulated” submissives;

That it’s almost impossible for a sub to maintain a long-term Femdom relationship without sexual domination being a large component;

That females are rarely sexually dominant by nature;

That female dominance cannot be created by a submissive, despite his best efforts to please or to encourage such an inclination;

That female led sexual relationships are extremely rare and almost impossible to invent.

In other words, this whole F….ing obsession of mine is a waste of time.

While self-styled subs believe they have a desire to be submissive, I believe it’s largely a sexual mindset which will remain in the realms of sexual fantasy. The practicalities of serving a woman 24/7 with no sexual stimulation appeals to very few purported subs.

Within my own life it’s true that V is often strict and demanding, but she is not sexually dominant….and never will be willingly.

Like most women, she can be quick to complain. OK, she likes to nag. But that doesn’t make her a Domme. As I said, I believe very few women are sexually dominant, and nothing – no amount of male grovelling or pleasing – will ever change that.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is that if you’re a submissive male by nature, forget trying to bring out the dominant character in her – In most cases it’s just not there. Sure, she may enjoy occasional fantasy role-plays where she takes the dominant stance, but generally that’s not her make-up and she will rebel if you suggest such a relationship 24/7.

So forget the advice of the female supremacists who espouse that the way to a successful female led marriage is to give yourself to the Domme totally with no regard to your own wishes. It simply doesn’t work that way.

Most submissive men have a sexual desire to be submissive. Unless that sexual desire – or need - is met, very few men are happy to simply cook, clean and concede for their wives or partners.

A real female Domme REQUIRES to be the dominant personality in the relationship. Often she will have a cruel or sadistic nature. She enjoys beating and humiliating her male. I believe this is the nature of only a very select few women …. And, as a sub, you can’t create such a woman, however much you may fantasize. The truth is, most subs would run a mile if they encountered a real Domme.

Therefore, if your wife or partner is not a natural Domme, as described above, then what is she? Most probably she’s like most women in my experience – caring, nurturing, compassionate. In other words, she’s feminine. AND SHE DOESN’T WISH TO DOMINATE HER PARTNER!

Why would she wish to own him, control him, whip him, humiliate him, piss on him, abuse him? The truth is she doesn’t. That may be a fantasy of many submissives, but it’s not reality and it will never be a major part of a female led relationship.

Of course female led relationships are common, but they’re not based on sexual fantasy.

So what is a traditional female led relationship? I believe it’s a relationship based on mutual respect where the male accedes to the wishes of the female, and where the female can control the male to her satisfaction – at least in part.

It’s not about the male kissing her boots. It’s more akin to being a hen-pecked husband.

Those subs out there who say they are looking for a female led relationship; Is that really what they’re after? I doubt it. In almost all cases, I believe their sexual fantasy is at the root of their obsession. And sexual fantasy is a far cry from simply being a hen-pecked husband who does what his wife demands of him.

Certainly I would not be satisfied in a marriage where my wife simply nagged me, criticised me or demanded better of me. No, SEX is at the core of my submissive tendencies, and I believe that’s the case with most submissive males.

So, when the Femdom books and manuals say the way to a successful female led relationship is for the male to “focus on how you can find pleasure in her pleasure. Forget about what she can do TO you and think about what you can do FOR her,” as Ms Rika suggests, or to simply “draw out her dominant nature with your submissive nature” as Elise Sutton suggests, don’t be fooled. The simple fact is, either she’s naturally dominant or she isn’t. And if she isn’t, the game’s over. Full stop. If your sexual needs can’t be met, there’s no point in continuing. Because sex is at the heart of most subs conscious.

Over recent weeks I’ve been making a greater effort to please V. I’d gone back to basics and convinced myself that the core to developing a FLM was to please my wife. As the literature so commonly states, it’s for her benefit, not mine. A true submissive is one whose sole desire is to please his wife.

So, I became more focused on her everyday happiness. And guess what, it’s hard work, especially if there’s no sexual stimulus.

But I kept telling myself that this is making V happy, and that makes me happier too, and once I get stuck into cleaning up, it’s not so bad. I’m on a roll so to speak and when it’s finished I’m glad it’s finished, except it’s never finished and it starts all over again!

No, I’ve had it. I’m too selfish. So, unless you’re a genuine submissive asexual wimp, with no selfish illusions, don’t go down this path. Most women wouldn’t want you anyway. Instead, initiate the occasional role play in bed and be satisfied with that.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ohhh...you're SO right!!

I have been through the same as you, taken the same journey and reached the exact same conclusion.

The million dollar question remains; Are you satisfied with the occasional "make-believe" femdom? And is She?


Eurosub

Anonymous said...

Wow...You've said it perfectly! I completely agree with what you've written. Excellent! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

I am complete agreement with your assessment.
I met my wife and we consumated our relationship on the basis of 'the fantasy'. Well, 7 years later we remain very much in love, but out of our original 'agreement'. It came down to: 1. she really wants to give me a lot of pleasure (as I do her!) and dominating me doesn't meet THAT need of hers, 2. she doesn't have the 'energy' to sustain a femdom relation if she wanted one in the first place.

I have had to retool my own thinking in this process and acknowledge the reality that my fantasy is a burden I have to carry, much like a birth defect or something similar.

I've separated my love for my partner from my 'need'.

It isn't easy, but it is the way it is.

subservire said...

Thanks for all your supportive comments.

It's apparent that significant damage will result if we continue to persist with this lifestyle while our partners don't share the same enthusiasm.

We need to know when to back off and live to fight another day.

saratoga said...

Actually, I don't completely agree with you here.

I've read and published your related comment on my blog post, and will be writing one on the topic of your conjectures.

It's a wonderful topic with a lot of potential on all sides.

While many women probably behave as you describe, I do believe XM was not just trying to please me, as I'll describe.

Some women can be led to this. Check out the blog to which I link on mine, 'Submitting To Her'. There, P came to her dominance late, but fully-engaged.

More in an imminent post.

Best,

-saratoga

All For Her said...

I may defer to my wife, but I realised early on that I'm not really "submissive", at least not the way many "submissives" define it. I've got a kink and my wife realised that she enjoys it as well. My kink is my desire to serve my wife through service and sex. Despite some hiccups where I've offered to end it and go back to "normal", my wife has pretty much declared she has no intention of going back to the way things were. She enjoys my focus on her pleasure and she is happy that it pleases me as well.
Sure, I have some desire for things like spankings, but I realise those are mostly fantasy. Hell, I'm not sure if I'm ready for the chastity device my wife wants to buy, but I'm fairly confident that if I don't like it that she will be OK with not using it.
Why? Because we are a loving couple first and our "arrangement" is a fun way of expressing our love for each other. We don't have to be "Dominant" or "submissive". We just do it the way that feels good to us.

subservire said...

All for her said...

You and your wife have obviously taken a realistic and sensible approach to this subject.

You both enjoy the "kink" without pushing the fantasy too far.

You enjoy serving your wife and she enjoys your attention.

Neither of you have high expectations in terms of Femdom play, and it seems you are both happy with the occasional sexual games. The basis of your marriage is the love you have for each other.

Congratulations on a successful arrangement.

Anonymous said...

Subservire - I have followed your blog for sometime, it was one of the first that I came across when I found out that such things existed, and it was very inspirational, so thank you. I am really sorry that your relationship with your wife did not turn out the way that you would have wished for. Reading your last entry, I find myself agreeing with almost everything that you say, and can understand exactly how you have come to the conclusions that you have, moulded no doubt by your own experiences.

Having said that, I do believe that it is possible to reach a middle ground, but you do need a very understanding, loyal and very loving wife. I think it is possible to bring out the dominant nature in even the most kind and caring of wives, but it does take a certain amount of luck, and certainly hard work. I am not sure in which category you would put my own relationship, probably nearer one that engages in periodic D/s role play, but now after almost a year of nurturing and encouraging a Wife Led relationship, I think I am starting to see a significant change in Jane, and her approach towards me as her submissive husband in everyday life. I agree she will probably never be a cruel and harsh Mistress, but as you say, it would be very hard to live your life this way 24/7, especially with kids around, which can play an important factor. I am convinced that without kids our own relationship would have developed a lot faster, and to a much greater degree than it has.

The most important thing that I have learned is that sure whilst much of this is driven by the sexual fantasy of the submissive, if you can make your wife feel that it is all centred around your focus on her, and what she means to you as a wife and partner it somehow makes it much easier for her to accept, rather than just seeing it as a selfish sexual fantasy that is all about him. I think this is a common mistake made by most would be submissive husbands because they think that their wives should just embrace this lifestyle because they are offering them service, to do chores etc, and to give them control. The problem is that all most wives want is to be loved, attention and most importantly to give pleasure to their partner and be happy. Reaching a balance is not easy in a wife led marriage, but it should be possible. The degree to which a wife will embrace her control and power will vary greatly from couple to couple but this will depend so much on her character but also how this alternative lifestyle is presented to her.

My own WLM is still evolving, and flows back and forth between vanilla and intense D/s bedroom role play, but what is happening with time is that the gaps in between are starting to blur into a mixture of both. In time I am hoping that the D/s element will take over more as Jane gets more comfortable exerting the obvious power and effect that she has on me in the bedroom into tangible everyday life situations, not just because she knows that I enjoy being dominated but because she enjoys the attention, and it gives her a freedom of choice and far greater control of her future, and how she feels about herself as a woman.

Good luck in whatever you do going forward, keep us updated, and don’t ever give up your dream, just amend them as necessary.

subservire said...

At All Times,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. What you say makes a lot of sense. Your own experiences are reassuring. They give me hope that a balance can be reached. Perhaps you're right; with love and attention, maybe V will gradually understand the benefits of a wife led marriage. Good luck with your own pursuit of happiness.

cagedone said...

Hi Subservire, just wanted to add my two bits worth and agree wholeheartedly with what you said and also you conclusions.

I have added some stuff to my blog as I read yours just after writing my last entry..just catching up on everyone :)

I hope that you can find some middle ground, as I do in my relationship, I need to focus on the good aspects of what has happened and be satisfied with that ...and let what develops develop without the pressure.

good luck dude :)

Anonymous said...

A very well written and thoughtful post about your experience. I do digress from you on some points. I think you paint with a pretty broad brush on the subject of submissive men. While to be certain, a lot of what many espoused submissives once is just another form of kink, there are those of us that truly are mainly into for the service. As a husband in a wife led marriage, sex is far down the list of what happens in the dynamics of our relationship. Indeed I think we had actual intercourse like four times last year. Some of actually like the lack of sex and in it, find a form of self-sacrifice and submission. Chastity can really work.

subservire said...

Anonymous,

I can certainly understand your point of view and in many respects I agree with you. In fact, often I prefer not to have sex because it takes me 24 hours afterwards before I regain that delicious feeling of submission. I just don't have the motivation to serve V after sex. I'm sure you understand.

And yes, it's a wonderful feeling to serve your partner. In fact it's the primary objective of a WLR and it's immensely satisfying. But I still maintain that in most cases - not all - sex is the foundation. I don't mean sex in the physical sense. Rather, a mental sexual arousal or sexual desire, the triggering of one's sexual neurotransmitters. And that requires the dominant partner to acknowledge the sub/dom dynamic and to encourage it within the sub - if that makes sense.

john said...

Hi Subservire-

Thanks for putting so much of yourself and your experience out there for the rest of us.

I think you are absolutely right in your assertions that:

--you can't build a relationship on pure sexual specificity

--what turns us on, isn't necessarily something we want to build into the whole structure of our lives

-- we can't have long term relationship in which the needs of both parties aren't being met

-- telling a partner that we are going to subordinate ourselves to them until they do exactly what we want is illogical

--and, we can't figure on changing either one of the parties to make a relationship work

On the other hand, it appears that being natural matches for each other is not necessarily a pre-requisite for relationship success either.

Have you followed the studies of John Gottman, PhD of the University of Washington on what makes relationships work? I think some of his basic findings are quite relevant here, especially his Seven Keys . . . book ( I don't remember the exact title).

By the way, nagging is not only not a behavior exhibited by a dominant person, it is not even one used by a person who feels equal in the relationship. Rather it is a sign that the nagger isn't feeling heard and understood.

Treat it as a red flag no matter how you'd describe your relationship style.

I have heard women say that the first thing they dropped in taking on a more dominant role/persona, even for a short time, was a nagging, whiny tone that they hadn't even realized they had until they literally put on the cloak of the one in charge.

As far a guys not being naturally submissive goes, whether that is their deep nature or learned nature, this seems to be true for most. Still, one of the keys that Gottman found to saving marriages and/or making them work, was for people to allow themselves to be affected by their partners. (I figure that the ones most often giving up some power were guys, not sure.) He took a lot of "yes dear" flak for this, even getting a Saturday Night Live sketch directed at his statements on the subject, but he stands by his data.

I think that the relationship road is the one that will work, though it is more complex and difficult than just doing everything the way our wives want us to and then waiting for them to act just like we want them to.

All the best to you. And, please, keep us posted on what you're finding along the way.

subservire said...

John,

Interesting observation about nagging. I'd have to agree with you.

You said: "one of the keys that Gottman found to saving marriages and/or making them work, was for people to allow themselves to be affected by their partners."

Not quite sure what he means by that. Seems very vague to me. I'm sure we're all affected by our partners. That's the essence of a relationship.

Anonymous said...

How is your life getting on? Have you found peace with your decision? Or are the phantoms still there...?


Eurosub

Susan's Pet said...

I perceive that you are somewhat depressed as you eloquently present your view. I sympathise with you. You have said it well, and I agree with all of what you said.

The question I have is, "What are you willing or going to do about it?"

When you are dealt a hand of cards you play it or fold. Taking occasional sexual domination from your lover is not that bad. You must admit that you can't have everyting in life.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Your post was put on a long time ago. But I just read it now and am grateful for it. It's pretty much what I've found.

But I would add this:

1) Wanting something only if it is linked to sex: what's wrong with that? A marriage without sex is in trouble no matter what flavour, and if something makes sex good for you - including ironing her clothes - what's wrong with that? It's still "real", it's just "real sex".

2) I had a wife who nagged me all the time. Drove me nuts. We split up but are still friendly. I had a girlfriend who dominated me, used me and threw me away. It was wild, but was never going to last. I now have a fiancee who is wonderful. She's kind, funny, not as kinky as I am, but has a wonderful spoiled princess streak. Occasionally she'll drink too much and slap me around.

She's not Carmen or Cruella Deville, more like Bette Davis. But it works! To all my fellow subs:

Keep an open mind and keep looking. A tiny service to someone you love can shake you just as deeply as anything you've fantasised about. And okay, most women aren't Dommes. But there are loads of women who know how to play with a man's mind or enjoy being spoiled.

Add the tiniest bit of sexual edge, and.. well, it's doable. You won't be able to sell the pictures on a femdom website, but deep inside the relationship, with the right person, it can be there.