V and I have moved back in together!
At this stage it’s not a reunion as we aren’t living as wife and husband, although V has left the door open to a full reconciliation subject to certain conditions.
I guess my feelings concerning V are well documented on this blog. I adore her. I worship her and I would do anything for her to accept me as I am.
V, on the other hand, has several reservations about our future relationship.
She readily acknowledged that she missed me; that I have many attributes which she loves. The trouble is she could no longer accept my “sexual” submissive tendencies – at least not to the extremes as they were manifested in the months prior to our separation.
I’ve moved into the spare bedroom. On weekends we have the kids I’m permitted to sleep in her bed but needless to say there’s no sexual intimacy.
V has agreed to me being her servant in all ways other than sexual.
She’s forbidden me to mention the words “dominant”, “submissive” or any such similar derivative. She’s also forbidden me to fantasize such thoughts.
In time she’s prepared to accept me as her sexual partner on a purely vanilla basis – with no kinks.
The one aspect she does enjoy – and admitted that she’d missed – is for me to serve her. Serving her is a permitted part of our new relationship and I must admit, I enjoy it thoroughly. It’s what I was born to do! I know that now.
I’m permitted to masturbate on my own provided I don’t masturbate to femdom fantasies. I’ve been trying to be honest to this pledge I’ve made but it has been hard and not entirely successful. I realise I must try to do away with this sexual fantasy of mine if our marriage is to survive. I have to learn to accept and cherish vanilla sex above femdom role play.
At the moment I’m just grateful I can be her servant and pamper her and spoil her in the way she definitely deserves. It gives me great pleasure and I thank her every night for having me back under her terms.
It’s important for me to explain the reasons for her conditions of marriage in case some readers may think they’re harsh.
V believes that this obsession of mine is unhealthy and unworkable; that for her to continue to encourage it would lead us back to where we were before we separated.
She understands my need to serve her and she has always enjoyed that aspect of our relationship. By agreeing to allow me to be her servant, she believes I’ll obtain sufficient pleasure and satisfaction as my peculiar personality requires. At the same time, she can enjoy those aspects of my servile personality she most accepts and cherishes.
V has taken over our finances completely – including her doing all the bookwork for my business. She also writes all the office cheques as well as controlling our domestic finances.
I am given sufficient pocket money, although she’s restricted my ability to buy alcohol. By contrast, I’m not allowed to question what she spends on herself.
Some readers will recall in my earlier posts that this was a fantasy of mine. Now it’s a reality!
So, how did these changed circumstances eventuate?
Over the Christmas holiday break I took the kids away on a camping trip into the High Country. To do this I needed to borrow the Range Rover which V was driving (previously mine but which V took control of earlier last year). That meant contacting her and meeting up with her. At that meeting I detected a softening in her attitude towards me.
The kids and I had a wonderful two weeks camped by a stream. During this period we had a real chance to bond as we sat around the campfire at night after evening meals. These moments brought home to me the downward spiral I’d undergone over the past 12 months and the futile obsession I’d been suffering under. Real life was spending quality time with your family – your wife and children, bonding and enjoying life in all its purity.
When we returned from our camping trip, I expressed these feelings to V and it seemed to strike a chord with her. We spoke at length about the meaning of life – what really matters, the memories we’d shared over the years and the fun times we’d enjoyed together.
Slowly V began to thaw in her attitude and agreed to consider a temporary reunion. From that moment I took things gently, sending her flowers with love notes, ringing her at night just to talk, until she agreed to a dinner date. After dinner she invited me back home – not to stay the night – but to talk. We played our favourite CD music, drank a bottle of wine or two and generally had a real heart-to-heart discussion about where we were at and what might be.
The following weekend I moved back in on a trial basis. I thought it might be awkward at first, and to be honest, there was a tenseness during that first week. But I was amazed at how quickly we re-connected (kink aside).
V laid down the rules which I’ve outlined above and that was it! Although we’re still not sleeping together and V still reminds me that this arrangement is temporary, I feel that we’re a couple once more. But we’re more than just a couple. V is now definitely the boss and I’m her devoted servant. At times she’s intolerant, difficult, quick to criticize and all those things, but when she shouts at me, or tells me off for some small error in my service to her, I get a sexual charge which takes me to a higher space in my subconscious. It’s powerfully erotic and blissfully comforting. I don’t need sexual domination. This is real domination and to me that’s just perfect.
Some readers may consider our new relationship one-sided or unnaturally balanced. The truth is we both love each other very much. I SERIOUSLY WANT to serve V and she enjoys being pampered. Sure, she has problems with the sexual manifestations of my submissiveness, but really that’s a small price to pay on my part. After all, many submissive husbands merely fantasize about serving their wives and accept vanilla sex as inevitable. I believe V and I have much more. I must admit, I can’t stop my sexual fantasies, even though V has insisted I do. But at least I can be her servant, and that’s much more than I was 12 months ago.