My want is to worship you, to serve and obey you, to always put your needs above mine. You are my superior. You are strong, intelligent, sensitive and compassionate. You are Woman and you are beautiful.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Back at Home

V and I have moved back in together!

At this stage it’s not a reunion as we aren’t living as wife and husband, although V has left the door open to a full reconciliation subject to certain conditions.

I guess my feelings concerning V are well documented on this blog. I adore her. I worship her and I would do anything for her to accept me as I am.

V, on the other hand, has several reservations about our future relationship.

She readily acknowledged that she missed me; that I have many attributes which she loves. The trouble is she could no longer accept my “sexual” submissive tendencies – at least not to the extremes as they were manifested in the months prior to our separation.

I’ve moved into the spare bedroom. On weekends we have the kids I’m permitted to sleep in her bed but needless to say there’s no sexual intimacy.

V has agreed to me being her servant in all ways other than sexual.

She’s forbidden me to mention the words “dominant”, “submissive” or any such similar derivative. She’s also forbidden me to fantasize such thoughts.

In time she’s prepared to accept me as her sexual partner on a purely vanilla basis – with no kinks.

The one aspect she does enjoy – and admitted that she’d missed – is for me to serve her. Serving her is a permitted part of our new relationship and I must admit, I enjoy it thoroughly. It’s what I was born to do! I know that now.

I’m permitted to masturbate on my own provided I don’t masturbate to femdom fantasies. I’ve been trying to be honest to this pledge I’ve made but it has been hard and not entirely successful. I realise I must try to do away with this sexual fantasy of mine if our marriage is to survive. I have to learn to accept and cherish vanilla sex above femdom role play.

At the moment I’m just grateful I can be her servant and pamper her and spoil her in the way she definitely deserves. It gives me great pleasure and I thank her every night for having me back under her terms.

It’s important for me to explain the reasons for her conditions of marriage in case some readers may think they’re harsh.

V believes that this obsession of mine is unhealthy and unworkable; that for her to continue to encourage it would lead us back to where we were before we separated.

She understands my need to serve her and she has always enjoyed that aspect of our relationship. By agreeing to allow me to be her servant, she believes I’ll obtain sufficient pleasure and satisfaction as my peculiar personality requires. At the same time, she can enjoy those aspects of my servile personality she most accepts and cherishes.

V has taken over our finances completely – including her doing all the bookwork for my business. She also writes all the office cheques as well as controlling our domestic finances.

I am given sufficient pocket money, although she’s restricted my ability to buy alcohol. By contrast, I’m not allowed to question what she spends on herself.

Some readers will recall in my earlier posts that this was a fantasy of mine. Now it’s a reality!

So, how did these changed circumstances eventuate?

Over the Christmas holiday break I took the kids away on a camping trip into the High Country. To do this I needed to borrow the Range Rover which V was driving (previously mine but which V took control of earlier last year). That meant contacting her and meeting up with her. At that meeting I detected a softening in her attitude towards me.

The kids and I had a wonderful two weeks camped by a stream. During this period we had a real chance to bond as we sat around the campfire at night after evening meals. These moments brought home to me the downward spiral I’d undergone over the past 12 months and the futile obsession I’d been suffering under. Real life was spending quality time with your family – your wife and children, bonding and enjoying life in all its purity.

When we returned from our camping trip, I expressed these feelings to V and it seemed to strike a chord with her. We spoke at length about the meaning of life – what really matters, the memories we’d shared over the years and the fun times we’d enjoyed together.

Slowly V began to thaw in her attitude and agreed to consider a temporary reunion. From that moment I took things gently, sending her flowers with love notes, ringing her at night just to talk, until she agreed to a dinner date. After dinner she invited me back home – not to stay the night – but to talk. We played our favourite CD music, drank a bottle of wine or two and generally had a real heart-to-heart discussion about where we were at and what might be.

The following weekend I moved back in on a trial basis. I thought it might be awkward at first, and to be honest, there was a tenseness during that first week. But I was amazed at how quickly we re-connected (kink aside).

V laid down the rules which I’ve outlined above and that was it! Although we’re still not sleeping together and V still reminds me that this arrangement is temporary, I feel that we’re a couple once more. But we’re more than just a couple. V is now definitely the boss and I’m her devoted servant. At times she’s intolerant, difficult, quick to criticize and all those things, but when she shouts at me, or tells me off for some small error in my service to her, I get a sexual charge which takes me to a higher space in my subconscious. It’s powerfully erotic and blissfully comforting. I don’t need sexual domination. This is real domination and to me that’s just perfect.

Some readers may consider our new relationship one-sided or unnaturally balanced. The truth is we both love each other very much. I SERIOUSLY WANT to serve V and she enjoys being pampered. Sure, she has problems with the sexual manifestations of my submissiveness, but really that’s a small price to pay on my part. After all, many submissive husbands merely fantasize about serving their wives and accept vanilla sex as inevitable. I believe V and I have much more. I must admit, I can’t stop my sexual fantasies, even though V has insisted I do. But at least I can be her servant, and that’s much more than I was 12 months ago.

8 comments:

Hubette said...

Sounds to me like the perfect marriage...She's now the dominant one, and everything is on her terms. You are now truly 'wrapped around her finger', living a 'wife-led marriage' in its puriest form...

Becker said...

Regardless of the 'deal' done. Anytime 2 people can resolve their issues and get back together it is a good thing.

Now regarding the 'deal'. It's often said "What goes on between two consenting adults behind closed doors is no one else's business" This I reckon falls right in the middle of that statement. Your neighbors might be shocked and disgusted but if the two of you are happy then thats what matters. Nothing else.

You may need to read this several times to understand it but

"May the best of your yesterdays - be the worst of your tomorrows"

Good luck!

faninho said...

It is really thrilling to go with you during the last year in your blog. Tahnk you for sharing so open with us!
There were times I thought: that's it now with them. And then it all broke down again.

It is fine when you learn more and more to be patient with her: just let her rule, as you do it now.

Keep on letting her!Keep on letting her!

It sounds so wonderful what you have now, but it will be a process
that will change -to the better, I'm sure. She will change, she will proof you. Always.
But nobody can erase your fantasies; it is you task to give them that "positive" target to your relationship. Not to deeply hang into them.

If you keep on moving to Her behalfs you cannot go wrong.

Most of this happened in a similar way to us/ me for a few years. From my experience I'd say: there will always be ups and downs and we (submissive men) are asked to learn that lesson of patience-
Staying togehter is a great option, when you know each other like you both do now!
There is no reason anymore to separate if you really go with her terms.


Good luck, I like to read further on from you!

Richard Evans Lee said...

Romantic love is such a beautiful and rare thing: I hope the two of you really do manage to make a go of it.

Honestly I find it hard to believe you can truly avoid fantasizing about female domination. But minimizing it is a worthwhile goal while the two of you seek to see if you can reestablish a permanent reunion. Though it is awfully hard to be sure if suppressing fantasies helps or hurts more.

You have always seemed an honest and honorable man. I wish you and V the very best in all things as your lives progress.

licking said...

I believe V did not see a problem in your submissive nature. But in a way how you expressed it. You were too pushy and you focused on your own fantasy. But it was not about her. At some moment you felt happy. But she was not happy she just tried to act as you wanted to make you happy.
At some point she had enough. She realised she could not continue this way. That was the reason of your crisis.

Now you have chance to start again. It looks you are getting to realize that her dominant atitude is more important for your submissive nature as your particular phantasy.
It is very important and very good for your relationship.

I whis you the best and I am very happy you found a way to be together again.

Susan's Pet said...

Sub,

Your saga has many of the ingredients of a soap opera. You could probably sell the rights. Forgive me for being so callous, but I am still worried about you in spite of the apparent progress.

I don't understand how your wife's conditions imposed on this new relationship is any different from an ordinary Female Led Relationship. In all aspects except sex she appears to be and wants to be in charge. If you are OK going without sex, then you have what you wanted. Sure, you can masturbate freely except the use of certain fantasies. That alone can be a fantasy to fuel your lust and subsequent release.

I think that your wife is being inconsistent. For one thing, you could lie to her about using FLR fantasies, and she would not know. Another, why would she care? If I were as critical of a man's need to serve a woman as she is, then I would not accept it with or without sex. Yet she accepts all except sex. This is not logical.

I think that both of you could benefit from professional counseling by a person who is open minded and knowledgeable on these related subjects. There is no stigma attached to seeking help. It is much better than wasting your chances. I am just trying to help.

Princess said...

Susan's Pet,

I can totally understand why she might like being dominate in all the areas other then sexual. A man giving into a woman's wants is normal think of the beginning to almost all relationships. The guys always go along with what the date wants.

Sexual being submissive makes a lot of women, feel like woman. That seems natural to most women. Having a guy that does not know how to take you in his arms and ravish is you can be a turn off.

I'm very Dom in nature although I'm switch. That's the perspective I come from just wanted to share my .02

xo Princess

Susan's Pet said...

Princess,

I agree with you. When a submissive man wants everything for himself, and decides to give little, there is no incentive for a woman to go along with it. This is especially true with respect to sex. I can even imagine that a straight (vanilla) woman would find a submissive man repulsive.

Given that, I don't think that a submissive man can not or should not be assertive in sex. All that depends on the couple's understanding and loving relationship. With open communication a lot can be accomplished. On the other hand, if communication is missing, little, if anything will be done, and the relationship is doomed.

I love to take the initiative in my FLR as long as I know that my wife is receptive to it. I don't debase myself just to please me. I am confident in my skill, my ability, my willingness, and my love for her. I can do anything that I know she wants, and I will sacrifice my needs for her. But it is because she is also a giving and loving person who appreciates what I do. Our FLR is not perfect. We have problems, but they are caused by us being human, not because we are in an FLR.