Need to Confess

Last night I visited a friend of ours. Her name’s Heather and she’s never married. I’ve always fancied her in some way and have often felt she could be dominant. There’s that cool, disparaging element about her.

Anyway, I told her the reason V and I had split up was because I was submissive. She asked what that meant and I said I liked to serve women and wanted them to take charge. She seemed puzzled – not disgusted, but uncomfortable.

She said I was just bashing my self up – feeling a sort of self loathing which was totally normal when a long term relationship ended. She then quickly changed the subject.

Don’t know why I felt the need to tell her, but I did.

Blogs I Read

I've been reading quite a few blogs recently and I'd like to add three which I think are very good:

The first is a new blog by Richard (Polyfetishist) called Fetish Meme. It provides some thought provoking prompts for blogging with a particular bent on S/M.

The second is Hers Forever which details the experiences of a husband who aims to please his FL wife.

The third is Bossed Hubby which in many ways parallells my own experiences in nurturing a female led marriage, even to the point where his wife nearly left him. It's well written and provides some excellent guidelines for subs on what to do and what not to do if you are to develop a successful female led relationship.

A Bitter Pill

V has decided she doesn’t want to encourage me any further. As such, she has decided that I shouldn’t go over to the house and I shouldn’t cook her meals.

She wants a clean break.

She said she hopes I’ll find the person I’m looking for, but it isn’t her.

She said she still feels strongly towards me but that I have changed over the past year and it’s not the man she wants to live with. She’s advised me to seek professional counselling.

She wants time alone from me and doesn’t want me to ring her.

She’s concerned about my state of mind. So am I.

Thank God it’s almost Christmas because I’ve lost it with work. I’m drinking far too much and I’m sure that I’m clinically depressed. This is compounded by the fact that I’m becoming more obsessive with being dominated. I look at girls in the street, in the bars, wherever, and wonder whether they are dominant. I constantly fantasize about being humiliated and degraded.

I’ve lost all self confidence and the truth is I don’t care. I no longer want to be a real man, only a worthless slave. That’s the life I want. That’s all I want.

I’m not interested in my friends. I’m not interested in my work. I just want to find someone who I can submit to entirely. I REALLY want that person to be V. The ideal would be a Female Led Marriage, but if that’s not to be, then any type of female led relationship would do. I NEED this. I REALLY NEED this! It’s my calling in life. Nothing else would satisfy me.

Yes, I am mentally disturbed. Even I can see that. In 12 months I’ve gone from a normal, successful man in a loving marriage with the world at my feet, to this. But I don’t care. This is the true me and I want to embrace it with every fibre in my body.

A Different Relationship

I think V is beginning to realise the benefits of having a submissive at her beck and call.

Last week I suggested I come over and do some housework for her. Her immediate reaction was that she didn’t want me in the house. We’ve met a few times since we broke up, but on neutral ground. She said she didn’t feel comfortable with me spending time alone with her at home.

But on Friday when I spoke to her on the phone she said she missed my home cooking.

I immediately made the offer to cook some meals which she could freeze for the week. She said that was OK and I could bring them over on the weekend.

When I arrived, she had two girlfriends who were visiting. V had previously told them about my submissive tendencies. In fact, the week before we broke up, they had occasion to witness my humiliation first hand.

I should explain this particular incident. Earlier this year V had made me a white lace, frilly maids apron. It’s very short and open at the back to expose my bottom. I often used to wear this apron (and nothing else) when I was cooking or performing cleaning duties.

Anyway, just before we broke up, Claire and Chris were visiting V when I arrived home from work. We hadn’t been getting along well. V had been becoming more dismissive of me over the previous two weeks.

As usual, I began cleaning up the kitchen which is open to the family room. V, Claire and Chris were sitting in the family room drinking and chatting.

And then V said to me “Haven’t you forgotten something?” I was puzzled and asked if they needed another drink. “No,” she said. “Your pretty apron. Why aren’t you wearing it?”

I was stunned. I went bright red and couldn’t answer. I felt sick in my stomach.

Then V told Claire and Chris that she had made me a frilly maids apron and that I liked to wear it when I cleaned up.

“Why don’t you put it on and show my friends,” she said. I said now wasn’t the time.

The girls started laughing and encouraging me. They said V had been telling them about my need to be her slave. I laughed it off and said it helped spice up our sex life but it wasn’t an obsession.

V then countered this by describing my fetishes. Fortunately, she didn’t tell them about my licking her bottom or being pissed on. But she did say I liked to serve her dinner as a waiter and that she’d sometimes feed me her scraps.

This was more humiliation than I could bear and I walked out and went to the local pub. The strange thing (or perhaps not) was that I had a massive erection and was pre-coming in my pants.

Anyway, I’m digressing from this weekend.

As I said, V’s friends were there again when I arrived with the prepared meals.

V called out “put them in the freezer and then you can leave.” Claire then said “pathetic.” Chris said “I don’t know. I think he could be useful, not as a husband, but I think it would be nice to have your own personal maid.”

Once again I began to get an erection. I didn’t feel embarrassed as I had before. Instead I had an inner glow. My heart was pounding and my head was swimming.

V then said “I suppose he could clean up while he’s here.” I looked around the rooms and saw that the place was a mess. The I heard myself say “It’s OK. I’d like to clean up.”

“Say please,” said Claire. “Please can I clean up?” I said. The girls laughed and V said “Well. You’ll need to put on your apron then. Claire and Chris haven’t seen you in it yet.”

I put it on over my clothes. Fortunately V didn’t ask me to strip. I began cleaning up and the girls largely ignored me apart from the odd humiliating or encouraging remark.

V finally said I could leave now. I thanked them and returned to my flat.

In the evening V rang me. We discussed the day’s event. V said she’d largely told Claire and Chris about my fetish and they could be trusted to keep it secret. She said it was necessary to tell them because they were her closest friends and she wanted them to know why we had broken up.

I asked if I could still come over to clean the house (now her house) and to cook for her.

She said she’d think about it. She said she no longer felt the same about me as she used to. She no longer loved me or respected me and that made it easier for her to use me. But she doesn’t know whether she’s ready for me to be her housemaid.

That’s where we’re at. She’s still thinking about it.