V has decided she doesn’t want to encourage me any further. As such, she has decided that I shouldn’t go over to the house and I shouldn’t cook her meals.
She wants a clean break.
She said she hopes I’ll find the person I’m looking for, but it isn’t her.
She said she still feels strongly towards me but that I have changed over the past year and it’s not the man she wants to live with. She’s advised me to seek professional counselling.
She wants time alone from me and doesn’t want me to ring her.
She’s concerned about my state of mind. So am I.
Thank God it’s almost Christmas because I’ve lost it with work. I’m drinking far too much and I’m sure that I’m clinically depressed. This is compounded by the fact that I’m becoming more obsessive with being dominated. I look at girls in the street, in the bars, wherever, and wonder whether they are dominant. I constantly fantasize about being humiliated and degraded.
I’ve lost all self confidence and the truth is I don’t care. I no longer want to be a real man, only a worthless slave. That’s the life I want. That’s all I want.
I’m not interested in my friends. I’m not interested in my work. I just want to find someone who I can submit to entirely. I REALLY want that person to be V. The ideal would be a Female Led Marriage, but if that’s not to be, then any type of female led relationship would do. I NEED this. I REALLY NEED this! It’s my calling in life. Nothing else would satisfy me.
Yes, I am mentally disturbed. Even I can see that. In 12 months I’ve gone from a normal, successful man in a loving marriage with the world at my feet, to this. But I don’t care. This is the true me and I want to embrace it with every fibre in my body.