My want is to worship you, to serve and obey you, to always put your needs above mine. You are my superior. You are strong, intelligent, sensitive and compassionate. You are Woman and you are beautiful.

Monday, December 17, 2007

A Bitter Pill

V has decided she doesn’t want to encourage me any further. As such, she has decided that I shouldn’t go over to the house and I shouldn’t cook her meals.

She wants a clean break.

She said she hopes I’ll find the person I’m looking for, but it isn’t her.

She said she still feels strongly towards me but that I have changed over the past year and it’s not the man she wants to live with. She’s advised me to seek professional counselling.

She wants time alone from me and doesn’t want me to ring her.

She’s concerned about my state of mind. So am I.

Thank God it’s almost Christmas because I’ve lost it with work. I’m drinking far too much and I’m sure that I’m clinically depressed. This is compounded by the fact that I’m becoming more obsessive with being dominated. I look at girls in the street, in the bars, wherever, and wonder whether they are dominant. I constantly fantasize about being humiliated and degraded.

I’ve lost all self confidence and the truth is I don’t care. I no longer want to be a real man, only a worthless slave. That’s the life I want. That’s all I want.

I’m not interested in my friends. I’m not interested in my work. I just want to find someone who I can submit to entirely. I REALLY want that person to be V. The ideal would be a Female Led Marriage, but if that’s not to be, then any type of female led relationship would do. I NEED this. I REALLY NEED this! It’s my calling in life. Nothing else would satisfy me.

Yes, I am mentally disturbed. Even I can see that. In 12 months I’ve gone from a normal, successful man in a loving marriage with the world at my feet, to this. But I don’t care. This is the true me and I want to embrace it with every fibre in my body.

11 comments:

Martin said...

Obviously you're doing it tough but any relationship is volatile.
Any sub man has moments like that but in no way is it "mentally disturbed".

Don't forget that rather than understanding you, V is being hypocritical in having progressed so far as a Domme but still wanting to pretend its all your doing. She chose to exercise her control in front of her friends, she chose to participate so much in the lifestyle, yet she still likes to pretend she's not involved & sometimes to blame it all on you. I think you've been very honest while she's always trying to have it both ways.

I guess you won't be impressed by my being critical of V, but its quite natural what you're going through and I think she is blaming you to absolve herself of any responsibility and deny her own tendencies.

I still stand by my previous prediction. I think V is far more involved and is less capable of you to have a "clean break"

Elizabeth said...

D/s is a *fun* sexual kink that people can share together. It's also a fun sexual fantasy.

When it goes way past fun and into self destructive behavior, you *have* to stop and ask yourself, what the hell am I doing here? (I am sorry to be so blunt, but I've been following your blog along for awhile and think that core of what you are posting, at least, is your RL experience. This worries me, so I am being blunt.)

Women are not *really* goddesses. There is no new female led world order around the bend. Men submitting to their wives is no more a natural state than women submitting to their husbands. (Which, for the record, in my book is not a natural state!)

We are people on a planet together, some of whom enjoy D/s as a sexual kink.

I wish you *all the best* as you sort through this. There is a happy, healthy life with happy, healthy relationships with *your* name on it. There really is. Enjoying a fun, sexual kink should not get in your way.

hugs, E

bossed hubby said...

I have been pretty close to where you are now, and I know exactly what you are going through. From your postings, I think that V is far more apt to live out your fantasies (or her version of your fantasies) than my wife. I have read some of the things that she has done to you with envy.

My wife went to extraordinary lengths to "break me". She is currently building a wife-led marriage on her terms. It is nothing at all like I imagined, but I am more in love with her than ever.

Perhaps V is doing the same to you. Breaking you. I hate offering advice to others, but you might try listening to her the next time she talks to you about what she wants. I am not trying to insult you, I have learned that my problem was listening.

Go ahead and get drunk, cry, yell at the moon. But then, let her know that you are broken and ready to follow!

Polyfetishist said...

I know how much this must hurt.

But people who require power exchange in their intimate relationships aren't compatible with people who don't like them. It is another form of sexual orientation.

When you start searching I do think you have the ability to present yourself in a better light than most submissive men.

Elizabeth as always is dead on.

Best of luck.

subservire said...

Martin,

Thanks for your comments. I think V chose to embarass me in front of her friends because she's angry with me. I believe it's a means of getting back at me because of all the hurt she's feeling at the moment.

I also believe I've forced her into this lifestyle and that her participation was more about trying to please me rather than for her own pleasure.

Elizabeth,

Everything you say makes sense.

You're right. It has been destructive and, yes, I should have stopped.

It seems I've become the epitome of what not to do and am now subject to a certain degree of ridicule from those who seem to have all the answers. I'm not referring to your comments, Elizabeth. I think you have managed to crystalise what I and others have long thought.

Bossed Hubby,

I love your blog site and have added it to my list of referred reading. Keep up the good work. Incidentally, I've left a comment on your post titled "The Big Lie".

I think you've managed to achieve what I set out to do, but you seem to have been successful in your attempts, unlike me.

I look forward to reading how your relationship develops.

Polyfetishist,

I'm so glad you're still tuned in to my blog. You have so much experience and wisdom - and I'm not just pissing in your pocket. You and Saratoga have always been a source of admiration.

I hope you can all continue to give me some guidance as I sort out my mind and my life.

Thanks.

Susan's Pet said...

Elizabeth said it beautifully.

I want to add something constructive to our friend's downward spiral trend. Please don't look for females to dominate you. You are in a vulnerable state, and all you will find is people whou are willing to use you. While it may be a welcome distraction from your real problem, it is desructive on the long run. I have said before, find a woman with whom you are willing to share love. It is only after you have found that potential that D/S, and FLR should be an option for either of you. The only thing that V is giving you now is what the "dealers on the street" do: an immediate high with a long-term low. She may be right in one respect. If you really feel self destructive, and by your latest post I think that you are, please find legitimate professional help, and I don't mean in the D/S field, but a legitimate counselor. I wish you well.

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saratoga said...

Sorry to read of your travails and split from your wife, V.

So much could be said, and others have said much of it.

You might want to get some counseling help for issues such as depression and drinking, but I don't personally believe having a submissive orientation is something for which you need counseling, or to have changed.

If you feel you are wired to be submissive, and won't be happy any other way, then, clearly, you won't be happy in the long term with a woman who does not accept that about you.

It sounds like V won't ever accept it, therefore, you won't be happy with her.

Despite your understandable desire that your Female Dominant Partner would or could have been V, it doesn't sound feasible.

The good news is, knowing what you now believe you know about yourself, your next partner can be accepting of your need to submit to her.

This is bound to take some time, which, of course, is painful to acknowledge.

It's possible that you may really want a life of total, 24/7 treatment as a worthless male slave, but that's not likely to turn out as you imagine it would.

So perhaps trying for a moderated life with some submission in your relationship is a better goal.

Best wishes,

-saratoga

saratoga said...

subservire-

Re Elizabeth's comment,

"Women are not *really* goddesses. There is no new female led world order around the bend. Men submitting to their wives is no more a natural state than women submitting to their husbands. (Which, for the record, in my book is not a natural state!)"

I would agree with her that there is no new world order. Women, as a collective group, are not "Goddesses."

That said, the one to whom you wish to pledge your fealty and surrender is a Goddess- to you.

As I wrote in this post, On FemDom Lifestyles and Natural Selection, and two subsequent, related ones, while still agreeing with Elizabeth that there is no burgeoning new world FemDom order, I do believe that a self-aware Domina can use natural selection to choose Her male.

So, it can be just a sexual kink or fantasy, but it can also be your real life.

It's up to you, ultimately.

For what it's worth, your post and some recent events will probably lead me to write a post today that will deal with some of this.

-saratoga

licking said...

As you know I always indicated in my previous comments that you were too pushy on V and that she needs to find her own way.

You described how she humiliated you twice in front of her friends. Maybe she did it becouse she is angry with you. But I think she enjoyed that momemnts.

Maybe you could call her from time to time and very carefuly try waters if you could cook or clean for her.

Now I believe your relationship with V has not finished yet.

Anonymous said...

Hi Subservire,
Obviously I read your blog from time to time, so I most emphatically am not standing in judgement of you. I appeal to you as a brother: find your way out of this.

When you say key words like drinking and depression, there's much much more going on than just having a submissive personality. Yet, you appear (from the writings on this blog... perhaps IRL this is not the case) to have put your ideas of submission ahead of everything else in life, and when you don't get that idea to work out, everything else falls apart.

You probably already know that on some level. That's okay. Free yourself. You seem to be all bound up now, but freedom is around the corner. Forgive yourself, forgive everyone in your life, get some counseling, and pray.

Life ain't easy, but life is worth living and it's worth living abundantly.