My want is to worship you, to serve and obey you, to always put your needs above mine. You are my superior. You are strong, intelligent, sensitive and compassionate. You are Woman and you are beautiful.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

A Failed Experiment

While V and I have attempted to balance a 24/7 FLR with the regular routines of everyday life, we have both concluded that this is an impractical, even destructive lifestyle for us at present.

Occasional role play is the way of the future in our relationship. 24/7 Femdom is not working for either of us.

In analyzing our relationship over the past five months (since I first introduced V to a FLR), it’s clear this way of life has created far more problems than advantages. We’ve had more conflict over this issue than any other.

The basic fact of the matter is that I initiated a Female Led Relationship – not V.

It’s MY wish, not hers. And unless V openly embraces this type of relationship, it’s not going to work.

I make no apologies that I’ve “topped from the bottom”. When one partner attempts to introduce a new dimension to the relationship – and one as wide ranging as Femdom/FLR – it’s often necessary to persuade the other partner to incorporate changes they might not be initially comfortable with. This is “topping from the bottom.” It’s introducing the idea of a new element to their relationship and then initiating steps towards its development.

At times I’ve been overly forceful in attempting to introduce this new dynamic to our marriage, with mixed results. And there’s no denying I’m the one with the kink and I’m doing it for my gratification, not V’s.

But at the same time I’ve identified several dominating traits in V over the years – and she’s often enjoyed the sexual Femdom role play we’ve experimented with.

So, I thought that she’d be acceptable to extending this to a lifestyle relationship. This required me to push for changes to our marriage – to “top from the bottom.”

But ultimately it hasn’t worked. Maybe in time but, for the sake of our marriage, I think it’s best to back off for a while; to leave this issue alone.

It was an interesting experiment but, in the end, that’s all it was – an experiment.

I’ll still be contributing to this blog from time to time, but I doubt I’ll have anything interesting to contribute on living in a Female Led Relationship.

Thanks to all of you who have supported and guided me during this five month journey and I sincerely wish you all the very best in your lifestyles and relationships.


Bonnie said...

I wouldn't say you've failed, I'd say you've settled for what works for the both of you (and your relationship)
If you look at it with your submissive side, you are serving your Mistress/wifes needs, by backing off on this fantasy you have, and making what SHE wants more of a reality.

You've let the cat out of the bag, now let the cat lay down and take a nap..after all the idea is a Kitten, and kittens need a rest every so often to grow big and strong.
Best of luck to the both of you, how ever it works out.
Collar N cuffs

Tom Allen said...

Yeah, what Bonnie said.
You haven't "failed" because things aren't going your way. You've introduced the concept to your wife, and you have the opportunity to practice it once in a while. 24/7? Nobody gets that, unless they're independently wealthy and have the resources to do nothing but hang around the house. Everybody else who has to work, go to the store, shop for clothes, pick children up from school, have dinner with relatives, etc., does not do this "24/7" either.

Instead of regretting your incompatibilities, try to focus on what is working, and let it continue to work. Then add things slowly to that.

Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla

femelle dominante said...

Yeah, definitely what Bonnie said. I wish you the best of luck. I hope in the end you can find a happy medium that will fulfill you both.

saratoga said...

Well, better to have tried and not achieved your objective, than to never have tried at all.

If your relationship with V, whatever its nature, is more important to you than having a FemDom relationship, then so be it.

You have an interest. You explored whether or not V shared it and, in this case, as necessary, would take the lead in enjoying it. Seems that she's not wired for it as more than play.

I have immense respect for you having introduced this to your wife and marriage.

As for living it 24/7, you don't have to be wealthy or retired to do so. I 'lived' it 24/7 with XM ( my ex-Mistress), in that she had methods of keeping herself and her control of me foremost in my head all day and night. It's a function of, at least, the desire and creativity of the Domina to have 24/7 influence and control over her sub. Not that she's in leather 24/7, or her sub in a collar or his butt plugged 24/7. But architecting a life that has them both aware of their D/s FemDom connection all of the time.

Very possible and reasonable indeed.

However, in your case, that's not reality. At least for now. Perhaps Bonnie is right, and V simply needs time. Or maybe she's just not wired to want more than some occasional FemDom play.

In the sense that Bonnie said you are putting her wants first, that's a sort of service. But, being submissive myself, I will suggest that this is simply not the same as what you had hoped for. I've been there, and it sounds better than it lives.

However, in the final analysis, I think you did a great service to yourself and to V by exposing your raw desires and intimate self, risking that to share something with her, and see if she also enjoyed it.

To me, that you are still married and happy together is a testament to a very strong, enviable marriage to a very desirable woman.

Best of luck to you, and to you and V.

Very Sincerely,


subservire said...

Thank you all for your comments. There’s a lot of sense in all of them.

Bonnie is right when she says we’ve settled for what works for both of us. Tom’s also right when he says I’ve introduced the concept to V and I believe we can gradually explore this type of relationship in further detail over time.

Femelle dominante, I agree with you when you say you hope we can find a happy medium. Afterall, life and relationships are all about compromise.

Saratoga, thanks for your wise words and support. I agree, for some it is possible to live a 24/7. And in some ways we do – it’s just a matter of how you define a Femdom/LFA relationship.

V has always been demanding. She prefers it when I do what I’m told. She has always expected me to cook for her. She’s quick to berate me when I stuff up. By nature, I have always thought she was a dominant woman – certainly very self assured and self-righteous. But she isn’t wired to extend that into the bedroom, at least not willingly. Sexually, she wants an aggressive man. She wants to be ravaged. In everyday life, however, she wants to be the boss!

Such is life!!!

leatherslave said...

I have to say you are correct. I have known my wife for over five years and we have been married for three. During the marriage we have made many attempts to live the D/s, F/m as a lifestyle and it has never worked. It has created a great divide between us and almost ended the marriage.

I am beginning to wonder if the lifestyle is real or not.

Bonnie said...

your comments are switched off on you next post.
I just wanted to say I'm glad things for you and V are working out. What you described was beautiful :)
Collar N cuffs

subservire said...

Thanks Bonnie, I think I've fixed it. Please let me know if I haven't.