My want is to worship you, to serve and obey you, to always put your needs above mine. You are my superior. You are strong, intelligent, sensitive and compassionate. You are Woman and you are beautiful.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Soul Searching

The more blogs I read on Female Led/Femdom relationships, the more inadequate I feel.

I’ve come to the conclusion I’m far from a satisfactory submissive. At the moment I’m finding it a struggle to serve my Mistress 24/7. There’s a conflict within me which won’t go away.

On the one hand I enjoy being V’s servant and I’m elated whenever she acknowledges my servitude. On the other hand I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find the willpower to complete the numerous tasks I’m now expected to perform on a daily basis.

V has become increasingly demanding. She’s also become increasingly critical of me when I don’t perform to her satisfaction.

Our love life is virtually non-existent. Certainly, my sexual desires are not a consideration and this is becoming increasingly frustrating.

I have a myriad of conflicting thoughts going through my mind. I’m frustrated at my inadequacies, disappointed by my selfishness. I enjoy her giving me orders and welcome her growing domination over me. I miss sex and the femdom games we used to play. It all seems one-sided at times - I do all the household duties, comply with every order I’m given. I have no time to myself. And yet, at other times I remind myself how fortunate I am to be living in a female-led relationship. I realize that V is doing no more than accommodating my long-held desire to serve her and to pamper her.

Why then am I finding so much difficulty with motivation? Why do I sometimes cringe when she demands another task? Why do I resent her seemingly constant criticism?

And yet at the same time I’m turned on by her criticism. I enjoy it when she tells me off or denies me some small personal want. Yesterday she screamed abuse at me for using her car (formerly mine) to drive down to the supermarket. On the one hand I was pissed off. On the other hand I was excited and I can’t seem to resolve this conflict within me.

There’s so much turmoil within my head. I switch from highs to lows, joy to disappointment, eagerness to frustration.

V seems very happy in her role. She enjoys giving me orders and criticizing me when I don’t perform to her satisfaction. She’ll mock me, disparage me and accuse me. She’ll tell me she loves me and needs me, then she’ll denigrate me, berate me and make me feel worthless.

Part of my thrill is her unfairness. I want the inequality and the humiliation. I’m excited by her use of power and her increasing desire to wield it.

Yet, on a day to day basis, in reality I’m struggling to find the willpower to serve at her beck and call. I can’t seem to shred this skin of selfishness, strip away my ego and self-centered needs.

Maybe it takes time. Certainly the reality of being submissive is very different from the fantasy.

The bottom line is that I’m disappointed in myself, particularly when I read other blogs such as fd, thomas
whatevershesays and polyfetishist to name just a few. (If anyone can provide me with advice on how to insert links to other blogs - I'm very limited when it comes to using the internet)

Anyway, I have a lot to learn. I only hope I have what it takes to become a submissive in the long run!


Polyfetishist said...

Alexandra and I aren’t a LFA / FLR couple. We’re pretty much straight-ahead BDSM.

She enjoys hurting me and I just melt when I see a certain look in her eyes. I whimper; she laughs. But there’s never any thought that she is better than me or has a right to do this. It is mutual pleasure. If it didn’t make me happy we wouldn’t be doing it.

I also love being at her feet. And at night while she’s away in the UK I often see myself kneeling before her be it to rest my head in her lap or lick her boots. I have a very strong submissive streak and find real joy in worshipping her.

But we’re also “just” a couple. We do all the corny romantic things. We are equals.

She likes being bossy. I like catering to her: that was true of my vanilla lovers.

But we’ve never tried the houseboy thing. I’m very busy between my shop and my websites. So she does a fair share of the housework and cooking. If nothing else I’d have neither time nor energy for intense play sessions.

You should not be berating yourself. You are getting caught up in how other people live. Power exchange can be incorporated into a relationship in many ways ranging from the light and playful Dominant Diva style to 24/7 Total Power Exchange.

Other than encouraging you to think about what you really want and are really able to cope with I have no advice to offer. But don’t try to live up to what is presented on F/m blogs.

Your wife may be pushing you to see if you really want what see thinks you are asking for. Or she may be finding it hard to define her new role. Assuming a dominant role isn’t an easy thing. Especially if there is still some reluctance or negative role models in her own mind.

You probably should call a time-out from the power exchange and have serious conversations about how things are going.

Always wishing you the best of luck.

web said...

I agree with polyfetishist that you need to have a long 1 on 1 talk about your situation. I also believe you are looking at others relationships, or at least how they portray their relationship as a guide to what you two should do.

I don't believe anyone can be "on" 24/7. This seems to lead to a breakdown of the couple. The love in a relationship has to come first, the rest must follow and be guided by that love.

If you want to read a blog that describes what I am talking about, go to Lady Julia's blog and start reading from her beginnings. Read the posts dealing with relationships and creating your own style. Print some of them for your wife to read as well.

I think this kind of open communication can lead to a better understanding of each other and bring back the love a respect for the relationship.

Above all, don't let others tell you or make you feel that you are doing things wrong because it doesn't fit their definition for FLR. You and Your wife define what you want together, and make sure you BOTH do the little loving things that made you love each other in the first place.

My simple 2 cents, for what it is worth.


subservire said...

Thank you both for you logic and support. Of course what you say makes a great deal of sense.

I think V and I are slightly out of kilter at the moment. We both love and respect each other but as yet we haven't managed to find a suitable middle ground for our FLR relationship to bloom.

V certainly doesn't think she's better than me. She has always insisted we are equal and we must continue to respect each other.

I think you're right polyfetishist when you say V may be pushing me to see if I really want what I've been asking for. I'm sure she's also finding it hard to define her new role.

We've argued off and on over the past few weeks and called time out. We've even agreed to revert back to our vanilla lifestyle, but then we make up and I initiate FLR again. V is comfortable with me being the "houseboy" as you put it - in fact she enjoys it. But she's much less inclined to incorporate any BDSM which is what I think I need.

I'm conscious of the fact that this is an evolving relationship, and we've only been practicing it for 2-3 months now so it's early days.

Once again thank you both for your support. At times I need that encouragement.

fd said...

There are literally thousands of males who wish they were in your shoes. Don't despair! Try to be the best you can be, focus on your successes and look at your failures as learning experiences. With such a great Domme, i am sure that you will grow more and more comfortable in your role. And don't measure yourself by anyone else. Focus on keeping Her happy and your happiness will follow.

On the Intellect of said...

Hello I stumbled across your blog and I find it very interesting. I was hoping that perhaps since you are the submissive male you could give me some ideas of how I being a dominant female can control my friend. He is only a friend so sexual forms of control are out of the question. Since I am very new to this lifestyle i'm feeling a little slumped in trying to create forms of control that would satisfy him and trying to understand this further. If you would be so kind as to share some of your secrets it would be truly appreciated.