The more blogs I read on Female Led/Femdom relationships, the more inadequate I feel.
I’ve come to the conclusion I’m far from a satisfactory submissive. At the moment I’m finding it a struggle to serve my Mistress 24/7. There’s a conflict within me which won’t go away.
On the one hand I enjoy being V’s servant and I’m elated whenever she acknowledges my servitude. On the other hand I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find the willpower to complete the numerous tasks I’m now expected to perform on a daily basis.
V has become increasingly demanding. She’s also become increasingly critical of me when I don’t perform to her satisfaction.
Our love life is virtually non-existent. Certainly, my sexual desires are not a consideration and this is becoming increasingly frustrating.
I have a myriad of conflicting thoughts going through my mind. I’m frustrated at my inadequacies, disappointed by my selfishness. I enjoy her giving me orders and welcome her growing domination over me. I miss sex and the femdom games we used to play. It all seems one-sided at times - I do all the household duties, comply with every order I’m given. I have no time to myself. And yet, at other times I remind myself how fortunate I am to be living in a female-led relationship. I realize that V is doing no more than accommodating my long-held desire to serve her and to pamper her.
Why then am I finding so much difficulty with motivation? Why do I sometimes cringe when she demands another task? Why do I resent her seemingly constant criticism?
And yet at the same time I’m turned on by her criticism. I enjoy it when she tells me off or denies me some small personal want. Yesterday she screamed abuse at me for using her car (formerly mine) to drive down to the supermarket. On the one hand I was pissed off. On the other hand I was excited and I can’t seem to resolve this conflict within me.
There’s so much turmoil within my head. I switch from highs to lows, joy to disappointment, eagerness to frustration.
V seems very happy in her role. She enjoys giving me orders and criticizing me when I don’t perform to her satisfaction. She’ll mock me, disparage me and accuse me. She’ll tell me she loves me and needs me, then she’ll denigrate me, berate me and make me feel worthless.
Part of my thrill is her unfairness. I want the inequality and the humiliation. I’m excited by her use of power and her increasing desire to wield it.
Yet, on a day to day basis, in reality I’m struggling to find the willpower to serve at her beck and call. I can’t seem to shred this skin of selfishness, strip away my ego and self-centered needs.
Maybe it takes time. Certainly the reality of being submissive is very different from the fantasy.
The bottom line is that I’m disappointed in myself, particularly when I read other blogs such as fd, http://fdhousehusband.blogspot.com/ thomas http://laurastoy.blogspot.com/
whatevershesays http://shestheboss.blogspot.com/ and polyfetishist http://polyfetishist.blogspot.com/ to name just a few. (If anyone can provide me with advice on how to insert links to other blogs - I'm very limited when it comes to using the internet)
Anyway, I have a lot to learn. I only hope I have what it takes to become a submissive in the long run!